Overweight Blountstown Women Claim ‘Hillary Will Make Us Skinny’

by on 25/08/16 at 7:43 am

JUST DAYS BEFORE HER DEATH Melton (far left) in a recent family photo with her sisters Maybelle, Lucinda, and  Corrine at the Blountstown community pool BBQ.

Melton (far left) in a recent family photo with her sisters Maybelle, Lucinda, and Corrine at the Blountstown community pool BBQ.

Blountstown, FL – (SatireWorld.com)

Clarrisa Melton, age 44, and reluctantly still single, has been fat all her life. Her mother and father were fat and so were her grandparents who Melton claims were so large, they both worked in the circus. After many years of watching slim and trim women on TV, and beautiful toned women in magazines Melton decided she wanted to shed her 175 excessive pounds by supporting Hillary Clinton for President.

Folks down at the Blountstown Democratic headquarters promised Clarissa they could help with her weight loss promising if she worked hard her ample fat would melt away like snow on the first day of spring! The Secret being they kept up the delivery hundreds of boxes of donated fast food for campaign workers to eat so envelope stuffing wouldn’t be interrupted by lunch breaks.

Fried chicken, donuts, greasy hamburgers, and stale double-cheese pizza flowed in on a regular basis and yes, Clarissa Melton actually gained weight. After 3 or 4 months she became depressed and started questioning her rigorous support in behalf of Clinton, that’s until Democratic organizer LaShonda Jackson took a few hours to ‘coach’ Melton about her ‘lack of a true and righteous belief.’

Jackson showed her photos of Hillary-on-a Cross…Hillary seated in the same seat on the same bus that Rosa Parks sat in 50 years ago….Hillary walking across a water-filled canal in downtown Chicago…Hillary picking up a dead Robin and blowing in it’s face making the dead bird come alive again…Hillary slugging philandering Bill in the nose…Hillary giving an immaculate birth.

Clarissa sat stunned realizing her only true hope, her going forward and supporting Hillary with all her heart would change the world for her!

She put down the double fudge, super gigantic milk shake and tossed the partially eaten bag of Krispy Kreme donuts into the trash. With her face radiating a new confidence and enthusiasm Clarissa ran out into the sun filled day hoping to set a new record in reaching reluctant voters with the word of Hillary miracles.

So, does our tale of suffering meeting self-redemption strike wonder and hope in your heart for Clarissa Melton? Did Clarissa end years of suffering by building the basis of a new religion for Hillary-ites? How did Clarissa Melton finally do in the end?

Shortly after meeting with Democratic coordinator LaShonda Jackson, Clarissa took a large bundle of Hillary Clinton campaign signs out to her Prius where she was mugged and robbed by a local hooded thug wearing a Jay-Z concert shirt.

Within minutes the excitement proved too much for Clarissa’s overtaxed heart and she fell to the cold ground, finally dying next to her blue Prius plastered with Hillary stickers.

One Response to “Overweight Blountstown Women Claim ‘Hillary Will Make Us Skinny’”

  1. Philbert of Macadamia

    Aug 25th, 2016

    AR: Great story.

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