by Annoying Rash on 09/11/16 at 8:02 am
New York City, NY – (SatireWorld.com)
The buying rush has officially began in parts of the US as hundreds of thousands of former Hillary Clinton supporters rush out to buy new shelter for themselves and their families after the stunning presidential election defeat.
Finding a suitable rock-to-crawl-back-under has put a strain on the new and used rock business claims real estate tycoon, J. Fredrick Murray of Portland, Maine the area’s largest re-sale and property rental company.
Murray should know!
Just a few months ago the owner of the Hagos-Yurlow rock field outside of Portland boasted of having the largest collection of uniform rock clusters in America…Today, they’re sold completely out!
The same real estate conditions prevail across America as millions of Democrats suddenly and unexpectedly find themselves on the losing side of the national and local elections coming down hard on their party after a stunning rebuke of Hillary Clinton and her parties selected congressional candidates.
24 year old Beth LaBronca is in despair. First, at age 20 she celebrated Barack Obama’s 2008 political fortune by having a full-sized tattoo of the Illinois senator placed on her ass, now she’s facing increasing desperation in finding a rock large enough for herself and her three children all by different fathers she bore during the good times of Obama Administration handouts and generous federal subsidies.
“Not only won’t I have a place to live unless I settle for slimy rocks near a creek, but I fear Donald Trump will take away my free cell phones, all my food stamps, make me find work, and increase taxes on tattoos!”
The domicile panic is greatest in Florida where free-ranging rocks are seldom found in a state where sand and water is readily available. Tad Morganstern, a local Winter Haven entrepreneur, has been trucking in rocks from nearby Alabama in order to fill a backlog of orders.
“We got us a contract up in Boaz where we can fill most of our orders pretty good since we figure most of them Democrat fellers won’t mind doubling up under some of our bigger rocks real cozy like.”
In Washington, National Parks director Alvin Hayes has issued an alert for all national parks to be on the look out for rock squatters and rock thieves…‘as our national treasures lure those with bad intentions.’
China, always on the lookout to make a buck off of political troubles, has announced it will help with the crisis by exporting 700 million plastic rocks through Wal-Mart, which is carrying the multi-colored rocks in three sizes and in one color only…Yellow.