Obama calms Ebola fears of media: “I swapped spit with heroic nurse in Dallas and hardly raised a sweat,although Michelle did crap her pants!’

by on 16/10/14 at 3:53 pm

"Here's the President's test results. As you can see there's no sign of Ebola, and as expected, there's no sign of any significant brain activity except down here by the anus."

“Here’s the President’s test results. As you can see there’s no sign of Ebola, and as expected, there’s no sign of any significant brain activity except down here by the anus.”

The White House – (satireworld.com)

At a tense photo op at the White House after a brief cabinet meeting with his staff to confirm that he had no “F******g” idea on how to get a handle on Ebola in the US, the President expressed complete confidence in his CDC chief saying, “Dr. Thomas Frieden is the man I want in charge, I told him it’s his job until he dies………!”

In addition to implementing drone surveillance of any evidence of dead bodies piling up in Chicago that are NOT related to gun violence, the President demanded CDC form “SWAT” teams to be rushed to combat any reports of a suspected Ebola outbreak anywhere in the country, surround the possible victim, and hold them ‘hostage’ until they were cleared or died.

In another show of his leadership to calm US citizens, he named VP Joe Biden and CNN contributor Van Jones as his point men on the crisis calling them “The Eboly Brothers” who would be touring the country performing ‘live’ at hospitals as they show staff how to put on Hazmat suits, duct tape their orifices, and collect their own waste in Colostomy Bags to limit the possibility of the virus spreading amongst endangered democrat officials who have been quick to embrace those infected in order to gain sympathy and votes in besieged blue states facing a GOP avalanche in the midterms.

To prove that he was dead serious and ‘committed’ to the threat, Obama ordered that Alison Grimes, Kentucky Democrat running against Mitch Mcconnell be quarantined under house arrest for ‘spreading a virus that could mutate and cause us to lose the midterms and incidentally refusing to confirm that she had voted for me TWICE!”

D&C Charwoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz confirmed that the organization had cancelled all additional TV buys for Grimes saying, “payback is hell” in order to combat claims she’ll be replaced by Wendy Davis after the mid-term debacle.

Following his admission that he had “close personal and intimate contact’ with the un named nurse, Hollywood nitwits cancelled at least 50 fund raisers in the coming weeks scheduled to host the president, although the White House says their still accepting Pay-Pal and Bitcoin donations.

Gwyenth Paltrow said, “I love Barry…but not enough to die for him and I sure HOPE he’s doesn’t expect me to CHANGE his diapers when he comes down with that African Pooping Disease after tonguing that African Nurse!”

“That kind of HOPE &CHANGE is not what I signed up for when I made a fool of myself last week when I turned my neighborhood into a gulag hosting a fundraiser for the President and his 900 member entourage!

In related news the Secret Service says they are tightening their protocol involving the White House with visitors having their temperature taken, diareaha sniffing dogs being deployed, and orders to ‘shoot on sight’ anyone seen running to the hundreds of porta-potties recently erected on the grounds ‘in the event of an emergency bowel movement or projectile vomiting attack!”

No answer from the White House yet on what caused Michelle Obama to be seen in a full Hazmat suit juggling a turnip, although the Enquirer had a headline story shouting: “White House divorce imminent! Insiders say FLOAT-US ‘has had enough of Barry’s Spit Swapping and other S****T”

Bill Clinton indicated that he AND his saxophone would be willing to join the Eboly Brothers on tour as long as his expenses were paid and wife Hillary was banned from travel on the same plane in order to ‘protect my physical integrity.”

More after somebody else gets it!



2 Responses to “Obama calms Ebola fears of media: “I swapped spit with heroic nurse in Dallas and hardly raised a sweat,although Michelle did crap her pants!’”

  1. Bargis

    Oct 16th, 2014

    I’m betting no one knows what to do!

  2. captain america

    Oct 16th, 2014

    WINNER!!!!!!!

    Obama admits….”folks probably shouldn’t eat bodily fluids”…
    LBGT coalition goes APE!

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