by Skinny Dog Jefferson on 10/11/14 at 5:58 am
Boston, MA – (satireworld.com)
A virus that infects human brains and makes us more stupid has been discovered, according to scientists in Boston.
The democratis-algae virus, never before observed in healthy people, was found to affect cognitive functions including visual processing and spatial awareness.
Scientists at Johns Hopkins Medical School and the University of Maryland stumbled upon the discovery when they were undertaking an unrelated study into throat microbes. The study was initiated under a grant from satireworld, a popular internet news source. According to staffers at satireworld, the study was a result of long-term curiosity by writers as to why almost all readers thought the fake news stotries were real.
Surprisingly, the researchers found DNA in the throats of healthy individuals that matched the DNA of a virus known to infect green algae, and leftist news junkies.
Dr Henri Flipps, a virologist who led the original study, said: “This is a striking example showing that the ‘innocuous’ throat microorganisms we carry can affect behaviour and cognition, especially in politicians who speak alot in public.
Of the 90 Democrats in the study, 88 tested positive for the virus. Those who tested positive performed worse on tests designed to measure the speed and accuracy of visual processing. They also achieved lower scores in tasks designed to measure attention, judgement, and truth telling. The other 2 who tested negative for the virus were found to have been homeless people who slipped in for the free lunch
Humans’ bodies contain trillions of bacteria, viruses and fungi. Most are harmless, but the findings of this research show that there some microbes can have a detrimental impact on cognitive functions, while leaving individuals healthy.
Michelle Obama said she’s listening to the report’s findings and has changed various school lunch menus accordingly and has removed Jello, snack crackers, and vius-ridden slime from all approved lunch lists.