Presidential Candidate Bernie Saunders Has First Bowel Movement in 20 Years

by on 06/02/16 at 2:28 pm

BEFORE!

BEFORE!


Officials from the town of Oxford say the 20 year old turd fresh from Saunders' ass will make a pretty good tourist attraction.... But only during the frigid winter months.

Officials from the town of Oxford say the 20 year old turd from Saunders’ ass will make a pretty good tourist attraction…. But only during the frigid winter months.


Saunders invited a reporter from People magazine to observe the stinky procedure. width=

Saunders invited a reporter from People magazine to observe the stinky procedure in which 15 gallons of warm WD40 was circulated through his bowels in an effort to grant the senior Senator some relief.


Looking a bit frazzled but clean-as-a-whistle! Bernie Saunders challenges Hillary to a 'super douche' to clear away the evil spirits lurking inside.

…. AND AFTER!
Before, Bernie was looking a bit frazzled. But now he’s happy and clean-as-a-whistle! Later that day,Bernie Saunders challenged Hillary to a ‘plutonium super douche’ to clear away the evil spirits lurking inside.

Oxford, MA – (satireworld.com)

Presidential candidate Bernie Saunders (D-commie) has successfully completed his first complete ‘BM’ in over twenty years says People Magazine. In recent years Saunders had been plagued with chronic intestinal problems and has sought relief from specialists across the country but to no avail.

A People Magazine article published on Saturday offhandedly mentioned that the “newly cleaned-out and tuned up” Bernie Saunders was considering investing some personal money in health spa in rural Vermont known for giving a hot beef colonic to spa goers after receiving his which from a supporter. Located at trendy Hampton Creek, the startup health spa says it’s working to help those chronically ‘full of crap’ like the Senator.

Now trendy among millenials, colonics are similar to an old-fashioned enema, except it’s done with a high pressure firehouse by an attendant dressed in protective waterproof garb.

The Washington Post followed up on this story by learning from ‘an individual familiar with Saunders’ spa decision” that Al Gore, the climate activist, had resolved several months ago to do something about his ever increasing waist size as twenty some years of his calorie intake couldn’t be relieved by simply giving the usual horseshit speeches that no one with any common sense believed anymore. In September, Al Gore had a special horseradish-flavored colonic and promptly dropped 85 pounds and lost 8 inches off his waist

Gore, winner of the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize for sounding the alarm about climate change that 91% of Americans say isn’t happening, has faced criticism over the years for overeating and flying on his own personal jet plane while fingering beef producers, the commercial airline industry, and oil industry as a global warming contributor. Gore’s 2006 film, “An Inconvenient Truth,” touched on the issues.

“I’m not going to stop eating like Al, but I have really need to relieve my bowels,” Saunders said in a 2015 ABC interview. “And it’s absolutely correct that the growing intensity of big gas bags like myself across the world is one of the issues connected to this global crisis — not only because of the [carbon dioxide] involved, but also because of the carbonated water pressure inside my intestines.”



One Response to “Presidential Candidate Bernie Saunders Has First Bowel Movement in 20 Years”

  1. Captain america

    Feb 9th, 2016

    ….you wouldn’t S*** me now?

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