by Annoying Rash on 16/02/16 at 6:49 am
Washington, DC – (satireworld.com)
Tiny, rolling balls of brain cells knocking around in a lab may one day help keep Bernie Saunders supporters from losing their place while reading the back of cereal boxes, staring at shiny objects, and other attention robbing activities that quickly spiral out of control causing deeply troubling illusions of winning an election using promises and an agenda that became stale back in 1917.
The small cellular balls act like mini-brains, mimicking aspects of the real thing, including forming noggin-like structures and pulsing with weak electrical signals like a thinking mind, researchers reported Friday at the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Democratic Science in Washington. The mini-brains, which can be personalized based on whose cells they’re made from, may soon help scientists study a wide variety of diseases and health problems like liberalism, socialism, communism, and general core issue apathy that afflicts millions of citizens who claim their politics slants to the left.
“The troubling antics of the left during an election year siphons off valuable resources and adds to the general confusion of many,” says Dr. Alfred Bartowiz PHD the ZET Medical Corporation who treats thousands of depressed and suicidal liberals who seek treatment after every national election. “They have such high hopes at the begining that voters will somehow turn stupid during every election that the predictable but dismal outcome of rejection for many is too much for them to bear.”
“Besides psychotherapy here are a variety of places where a mini brain could be useful,” said Blaine Williams of New Brain Pharmaceuticals Inc. “In some cases, they could offer relief to the millions of responsible citizens who have to listen to these Saunders supporters talk loopy political policy like it’s the 1930’s.”
Researchers who developed the wee brain noodles, led by Dennis Clam MD hope to have the mini-brains commercially available this year in a vending machine package that can be cheaply purchased and given to a brainless Bernie-bot on the spot and avoid endless hours of listening to ideas that even ex-communist Vladimir Putin finds ridiculous.
But, right now, Dr, Clam cautions, “I’m selling hopes,” as the mini-brains are brand new and haven’t been proven totally useful yet especially in the regressive state of libal-minded individuals who often require shock therapy to kick-start the thinking process.
Still, many researchers at the conference were equally enthused about their potential. After presenting at the meeting, Hartung is now in talks to use the mini brains to help liberals with simple tasks such as folding a napkin and tying their shoes.