Democrats Call For Ban of Assault Lettuce

by on 13/05/18 at 8:16 am

School lunch programs have suffered since the banning of iceberg lettuce. Reports that Democratic leaders have shown a renewed interest in spinach has caused some students to become vocally active.

School lunch programs have suffered since the banning of romaine lettuce. Reports that Democratic leaders have shown a renewed interest in spinach has caused some students to become vocally active.

Epicurean-To-The-Stars, Ted Nelson claims romaine lettuce is important and should not be discriminated against just because it made several hundred people deathly sick.

Epicurean-To-The-Stars, Ted Nelson claims romaine lettuce is important and should not be discriminated against just because it made several hundred people deathly sick.

Emora, NM – (satireworld.com)

Key leaders in the Democratic Party are calling for the ban of Romaine Lettuce (now called assault lettuce). According to figures from the CDC (Center for Disease Control), there have now been more than 150 reported cases of food borne illness reported in over 30 states due to Assault Lettuce. There have already been deaths.

Hillary Clinton has called the criminalization of possession of Romaine lettuce and the registration and monitoring of all other forms of lettuce (including iceberg, kale, endive, red leaf, green leaf, and spinach).

“People cannot be given free and unlimited access to these dangerous food substances. We need lettuce control and we need it now! We cannot depend upon responsible lettuce purchases, as not all people who use lettuce are responsible.”

Congresswoman Maxine Waters said “ain’t no nothing ’bout no lettuce in da Constitution, I thinks.” This publication is unable to quote the rest of her statement, as it was about as incomprehensible as everything else that she says.

When asked if lettuce eating was permitted by the Constitution, Nancy Pelosi stated that we would have to read it to find out.

The National Lettuce Association (NLA), a major lobbyist and proponent for freedom of lettuce (and all other greens) is opposed to any forms or romaine (or any other lettuce) registration or control.

According to Bert Henry, a NLA lobbyist in Washington, DC, “We cannot impose restrictions like lettuce rationing, waiting periods, nor background checks. People need their salad and sandwiches when they want them! Believe me. They want them fresh. What are we to do, serve wilted greens like the French?”

Strangely enough, Democrats have not called for regulation of Arugula, saying that this foreign lettuce must be allowed to retain civil rights and that registration of arugula would be both discriminatory and profiling.

Many in the current administration believe illegal Arugula will be flooding the borders to take advantage of the price spikes due to the ban on Romaine.

Congressional leader Nancy Pelosi has suggested replacing lettuce subsidies with a promotion of alternative leafy fare by suggesting increased Congressional support for spinach.

According to Capitol Hill insiders, the Pelosi family in California owns several agricultural business that grow 45% of the nation’s spinach crop.



2 Responses to “Democrats Call For Ban of Assault Lettuce”

  1. Philbert of Macadamia

    May 13th, 2018

    BRAVO Jman!

    Rep. “Mad” Maxine Waters (D-CA) is the west coast distributor of e coli!

  2. Oleg

    May 14th, 2018

    That damn paedo pic again.

    Lettuce spray and prey

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