by captain america on 07/02/11 at 10:02 amNew York City-(satireworld.com)
Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie is under federal investigation after a newly published book by the pregnant fiance he left at the altar, claims the football player is a loose cannon and carries a weapon that goes off with no warning!
In the newly published tell all, former Ms. North Carolina and ‘Corporate Attorney’ Rhonda Patterson describes how Cromartie left her at the altar nine days before the ceremony, and several months pregnant.
Further investigation has revealed that Cromartie now has 9 children by 8 different women, in 6 different states!
Said lead investigator Spike Mallone of the Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms Bureau (ATF), “it’s obvious this guy should not be licensed to carry a semi automatic weapon across state lines, especially one that’s always ‘cocked & locked’, one of these days he’s going to F****k somebody to death with that weapon unless he learns to handle it responsibly!”
Ms. Patterson said Cromartie had few social skills, other than those he was proficient in between the sheets, out in the garage, on the kitchen counter, and bent over the gold fish bowl. “He was a product of a single parent home and grew up deprived…but he had a certain charm.”
Patterson said what got to her the most, was when he repeated over and over during intimate moments, ” I love you and want you to have my baby!”
A former language teacher who worked with Cromartie converting his Ebonics to English after he signed his first pro contract, said that was the only phrase he managed to learn perfectly during the 12 month course.
The 7 mothers of Cromartie’s other 8 children confirmed the report saying, “when he whispered that in my ear I had no choice but to let him do me….how were we to know he already had started his own pee wee football team using the same line!”
Cromartie, who caused bad blood and controversy prior to the New England Patriot’s playoff game by calling QB Tom Brady “No Class “, was unavailable for comment according to his current wife who said he was out at the pistol range practicing his quick draw techniques for a weekend contest in Las Vegas.