Ray Lewis Expected To Return To Stabbing Bar Patrons Upon NFL Retirement

by on 04/01/13 at 7:29 am

Why would a six-foot six 300lb linebacker even need a knife?

Why would a six-foot one 250lb linebacker even need a knife?

Baltimore, MD – (SatireWorld.com)

Baltimore Ravens defensive linebacker Ray Lewis announced his retirement from the NFL at the conclusion of his team’s participation in the upcoming playoffs. The 17 year National Football League veteran has been named to several all pro, Pro Bowl, and other all star teams in his career and is a Super Bowl MVP and a two time NFL defensive player of the year.

While many fans are upset at the loss of Lewis from their team, others are upset at the possible loss of life outside of their favorite bars.

On January 31, 2000, a fight broke out outside of an Atlanta bar. Lewis and two companions stabbed and killed two other people. Lewis got off with 12 months probation in agreement to testify against his friends, though they were never found guilty. He did admit that his statements to investigators were intentionally “misleading” (translation “lies to cover his guilty ass”). Lewis, however, has never been able to produce the white suit that he was wearing that evening and prosecutors believed that it was disposed of in a dumpster due to incriminating blood evidence. Lewis later made large cash settlements with the families of both victims for undisclosed amounts.

Though he is no longer physically able to perform the rigors of a season and three hour games in the NFL, Lewis is sure that he can still barroom brawl and participate in drive by shootings with the rest of his homeys. It is not expected that his return to his gangster, lowlife lifestyle will interfere with his attempts to market himself as a good Christian and a family man (unless he gets caught again).

Lewis hopes that he will be inducted into the NFL Hall of Fame in five years, as football generally doesn’t look as deeply into morality issues as baseball (Note: Pete Rose, Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, and Mark McGwire are all not in the Baseball Hall of Fame… even though none of them ever murdered anyone).

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