by Harold Worth on 15/06/14 at 11:17 am
Brazil at the World Cup- (satireworld.com)
As part of Satireworld’s desire to be international and cover news all around the globe, I am currently working in Brazil to cover the World Cup. This is, other than the Olympics, the most viewed sports tournament on Planet Earth! Instead of giving you “blow by blow” actions of the games and in the locker rooms and hotels with the players, I will be covering the human interest stories from the fans, the players, and the citizens and residents of Brazil.
As part of my ongoing research into the life of this Portuguese speaking South American country, I decided to join in with everyone else and get my first Brazilian! As everyone knows, getting the hair removed from your nether regions by the use of hot wax is called a “Brazilian Wax” or a “Bikini Wax.” Yours truly decided that it was time to get with the times and have my first.
Now, I’ve seen “The 40 Year Old Virgin” just like everyone else, and know that ripping the hair off of a man’s chest can be very painful. I decided to lubricate myself with a pint or two, along with a little Tylenol and Advil and Aspirin and a few other painkillers that I managed to sneak into the country.
My first stop in my adventure was the front desk at my hotel. I told the clerk, who spoke little English (and I speak little Portuguese) what I wanted. “I want to have my first Brazilian,” I said. His first response was to tell me that this was a very fine establishment and was too respectful to offer that type of services. He did, however, give me directions to a part of town where I could get it done… all for just a fiver slid into his hand discreetly.
I realized afterwards, of course, that the name “a Brazilian” might have different meanings in this part of the world. Do they call the condiment that you put on your salad “Greek Goddess” dressing in Greece? Are “French Fries” called that in France? We don’t call a certain kind of bread/biscuit “English Muffins” anywhere in Jolly Olde England. Maybe it wasn’t called a Brazilian Wax in Brazil. Of course, the “afterwards” when I realized this was too late.
It took me four different tries with Taxis before I found one that would take me to the address that my hotel desk clerk gave me. I guess that Taxis have only regional requirements in Rio de Janeiro and can’t take you just anywhere in town.
Anyway, the address looked a little seedy, but I figured that Hector knew what he was talking about and that I would enjoy my experience. He didn’t know how right he was!
I walked in and saw a group of people sitting around a lobby. I approached a man at a desk and said that I was there for a Brazilian. He didn’t understand me at first and it took some pointing at privates and making chopping gestures to make myself understood. I think that he asked me if I was a man or a woman… maybe he wanted to know if I wanted my waxing man style or woman style, I don’t know (is there a difference?). Anyway, we managed to work our ways through the language barriers and he told me a price, which I gladly paid (after all, Satireworld is picking up my expenses).
He called a large man named Julio to take me to the back. Julio was a rather large man, well over six foot and very muscular. I did not expect that he would have the finesse or hands needed for performing the service, figuring that he was just some kind of office lackey.
Julio took me to a room and pantomimed that I should get undressed. He had me lay on my stomach (my first thought was that maybe they removed butt hair first as part of the process).
A moment later, I truly became a woman for the first time. I was deflowered by Julio as he rode me to the heights and depths of ecstasy. I finally understood what I had been missing all of my life, and why all of the players on England’s team had scorned women.
I never got my privates shaved that day, but I did find my true calling and purpose in life: I want to be some big man’s bitch.
In retrospect, the language barrier and confusion brought me to a special place and gave me everything that I have been missing.
I plan on visiting Julio each day, and have even invited him to visit me in my hotel. This World Cup is going to be better than ever!
Harold Worth, Live from South America