Harold Worth Reporting From the World Cup: “Brazilian Sheep Ranches Hire Security Guards to Protect Flocks from Football Players”
by Harold Worth on 16/06/14 at 12:20 pm
Brazil – World Cup – (satireworld.com)
As part of Satireworld’s desire to be international and cover news all around the globe, I am currently working in Brazil to cover the World Cup. This is, other than the Olympics, the most viewed sports tournament on Planet Earth! Instead of giving you “blow by blow” actions of the games and in the locker rooms and hotels with the players, I will be covering the human interest stories from the fans, the players, and the citizens and residents of Brazil.
Raymundo Chavez owns and operates a sheep farm in Brazil. The rolling hills and grassy meadows look like they could be from anywhere in the British Isles, or the Falkland Islands. Sheep graze and sheepdogs bark and everything is idyllic and pastoral. That is, except for the guards with the clubs and machine guns.
Mr. Chavez has hired guards for “keeping watch over his flocks by night” because the World Cup is in his country this month.
Said Mr. Chavez through an interpreter “I do not want my sheep abused in any way. There are several teams here from Middle Eastern countries, and they have a reputation for, shall we say, deflowering young, virgin lambs and pounding away on fully grown sheep.”
“In addition to screwing my flock, they also like to scream religious chants, slice a throat here and there, and shoot their guns in the air.” (note: not those guns… they shoot them off in the sheep)
‘The sheep also smell unwashed after they are finished due to the contact with men who have not bathed in centuries.”
“Most guys wouldn’t mind getting themselves a nice piece of wool… but it usually isn’t on a farm animal!”
“Then, there is that team of hooligans here from England. They try to get your sheep drunk on some cheap English beer and have them sing drinking songs both before and after they use them for their pleasure. For being a country that is self righteous and sanctimonious about the spread of English culture to the world, the only thing they are trying to spread here is some leg of lamb!”
When told that sheep ranchers were guarding their animals, English team player “Skoob” Kensington was irate. “What? We’re just here to play some footy and have a spot of fun. Why do they (the ranchers) have to hog all the girls to themselves? I guess we’ll have to find us some altar boys or the like!”
Harold Worth, Live from South America