by E. Williams on 31/08/14 at 7:24 am
St. Louis, MO – (satireworld.com)
Several months ago, shortly after the NFL draft, sales of bar soap plummeted in this Midwestern city and experts were perplexed as to why there was a sharp drop off in sales.
After a couple of months of careful analysis by soap manufacturers, it was determined the pick by the St. Louis Rams of Michael Sam, the NFL’s first openly gay player, was the reason for the sharp decline in sales.
Rams trainers confided that most of the players on the team had requested to switch to liquid body soap which would negate the problem of dropping the soap in the shower and having to bend over to pick it up.
Professional athletes use a ton of soap products because of their intense physical activity and need for frequent shower taking. The soap lobby was OK with the switch the athletes requested because they still made money from the body wash sales.
Now that Mr. Sam has been cut from the team, there has been a run on bar soap in stores all across the city. Many retailers said they haven’t seen shopping activity like this since the recent run by liberals on rubber bullets, also known as earplugs, following the riots in nearby Ferguson.
Since the DOJ already has lawyers in Ferguson, and since Michael Sam is black, Attorney Activist Eric Holder has directed that an investigation be opened to find out if the release of Mr. Sam should be considered a hate crime. After all, he does share the same first name as the shooting victim from Ferguson.
As members of the liberal media writhe in anguish over having to report the release of Mr. Sam by the Rams, America’s first gay President is considering adding additional taxes to body wash products since their use automatically indicates a person is homophobic, which cannot be allowed.
Time will tell if this case does indeed become a slippery slope. Asked about his future plans, Michael said that he and his partner had decided to write a children’s book based on a Dr. Seuss theme and sponsored by K-Y Jelly personal lubricant, tentatively titled “Sam I Ram.”