by E. Williams on 29/01/15 at 5:37 pm
FOXBORO, MA – (satireworld.com)
New England Patriot’s superstar, Tom Brady, has maybe admitted guilt regarding the under-inflated football scandal, but he says he has come to terms with his main problem, “White Quarterback Privilege.” Brady fully understands that if a black quarterback in the NFL had been accused of tampering with the inflation of footballs he would have already been declared guilty and people in Ferguson, Missouri would already be looting their town again, regardless of what city the guilty quarterback played in.
Brady says he feels guilty about being a white quarterback and all the trappings that position brings. “I don’t deserve a supermodel wife, so I’m currently looking nationwide for a much less attractive woman and, when I find her, I’ll divorce Gisele. She’ll have no trouble finding another white quarterback to marry.”
“The thing that hurts the most about this controversy,” Brady said, “is the benefit of the doubt I get just because I’m a white quarterback. I’ll never get to experience what it’s like to be “thrown under the bus,” or made out to be a scapegoat. I can tell you right now that, yes, it was me who ordered the balls to be altered, and people will still like me. It’s terrible, and an incredible burden a small group of us have to live with. In the words of Billy Joel, I just feel like an uptown girl living in my white bred world.”
“I saw film of Aaron Rodgers taunting an opponent with his “discount double-check” move this season after throwing a touchdown pass and did anybody say anything? No. All because of white quarterback privilege.”
Brady went on to say how lucky Seattle Seahawk’s quarterback Russel Wilson, Brady’s opponent in this weeks Super Bowl, is that he doesn’t have to deal with being white in an NFL uniform. “Russell could just look at a football the wrong way and he would be run out of town.” Tom then broke down, sobbing.
New England coach, Bill Belichick, said Brady will enter therapy after the Super Bowl and doesn’t know at this time how many months his therapy will continue. “This controversy has hit Tom hard. It’s not easy getting away with things all the time. He feels bad about that.”