by E. Williams on 29/12/15 at 4:58 am
DENVER – (satireworld.com)
Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning is fuming this week amid rumors he used human growth hormone (HGH) to recover from surgery several years ago. Al Jazeera, the source of record for football in the United States, claims in a report that Manning was supplied steroids from a clinic in Indianapolis in 2011.
Manning categorically denies the reports. “I bleed Papa John’s pizza sauce. You can check with our team doctors. I’ve already submitted to random drug testing for them for years,” he said.
Denver team doctors seem to support Manning’s claims. They have concluded from multiple lab tests that Peyton’s blood contains an unusually high concentration of Papa John’s pizza sauce, as well as traces of pepperoni and Italian sausage, but no signs of any substances deemed illegal by the NFL.
Peyton admits he sometimes likes to roll up a slice of Papa John’s pizza and smoke it, just to unwind after big games. “I like to take a few hits of the Sriracha Meats Pizza because it seems to help my recovery time after a tough game, and it’s got a nice, spicy kick to it. But it’s not illegal. We’ve checked with the NFL on that.”
In light of Manning’s lab results, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is looking into whether the league needs to have Papa John’s pizza sauce registered with the FDA as a controlled substance.