ArchivesTag : Throckmorton Turdblossom
Throckmorton P. Turdblossom “The Country Boy Advice Column”
Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom, My sister has done gone California tree hugging Vegan weirdo on us. Last week, she tried to say that microwaves ruin the DNA of water. I didn’t think water had any DNA unless there was critters in it.
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Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom, The latest sign of the end of human civilization on this planet:
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Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom, I got me a problem in school. I got an “F” on my spelling test and am gonna get in real trouble when my momma sees the paper.
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Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom. The doctor told me that a hot cup of coffee in the morning could help keep my bowel movements regular. All I know is that it burns my ass when I try to put it up there with a turkey baster.
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Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom, I been writing to this girl as a pen pal for almost six months. We met on the internet.
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Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom, I been watching this damn NFL draft for a couple of days now… and they ain’t showed even one Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader! They ain’t even showed a cheerleader from another team neither!
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Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom, Yesterday, you ran a picture of the President on a urinal screen. I’d love to piss on one of them myself (aiming for his mouth, of course).
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Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom. When you gotta go to the bathroom, how come they call it “taking a whiz” or “taking a dump?” You don’t take nothin’. All you do is leave stuff in the toilet or behind a tree.
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Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom, There’s this new lady at work who is a secretary or clerk or something. Anyway, she’s a real hottie.
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Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom, My daddy met and married this woman from the big city and she just moved in.
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Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom, Every year when I was in school and had my picture taken, my momma would put it up on the wall in a fancy frame. She’d always put the new picture in the frame on top of the old one.
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Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom, Last week, I caught my wife in an embarrassing position with the minister. She said that she wasn’t doing anything wrong, but was just helping him to wrestle with his one eyed trouser snake.
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Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom, I got this report due for school and I am supposed to write a book report on a famous book. Well, I went and watched Hunger Games at the theatre and wrote on that instead (cuz I knowed it come from a book). Apparently, I didn’t remember enough stuff right and [...]
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Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom, When I go to the store, I basically see two types of underwear for men: boxer shorts and jockey shorts. I got some questions about this: How come they only name underwear after these two types of atheletes? How come you ain’t got football shorts and baseball shorts and hockey shorts?
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Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom, The other day, I heard this woman say “whatever tickles yer pickle.” I hadn’t never heard that before.
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Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom, When I was taking Spanish class back in high school, the teacher taught us that when they put ‘ito” at the end of a word, that makes the thing smaller. In other words, a “Taquito” is a small taco. A “perrito” is a small dog. I was wondering about that word “burrito.” [...]
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Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom, Junior Ferguson works for me at the filling station. It seems like he’s always got an excuse why he can’t come to work. I been counting and he’s had his tonsils taken out three times in the past year and had eight differet wisdom teeth removed. He says that the doctor [...]
Full StoryThrockmorton P. Turdblossom “The Country Boy Advice Column”
Dear Throckmorton P. Turdblossom, My boyfriend and I want to “do it,” but I don’t want to get knocked up. They give out these free condoms down at the county clinic, but everyone who uses them says that they usually leak or break and must be fifty years old. Cletus says that if we “go [...]
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