Nigella Lawson Mishap Leaves Her Breasts Pointing In Opposite Directions

by on 15/02/11 at 4:44 am


London, UK (satireworld.com)

Television chef Nigella Lawson, was briefly hospitalized after being injured at a jump rope event held at Sunnyside Park. Paramedics rushed the popular TV chef to Putnam Hospital where she was treated for facial injuries, lacerations, and severe back strain, do in part to her bra exceeding 25 G-forces causing the seams to come apart when she jumped rope.

Nigella took part in the exercise as a challenge by friends, daring her to enter the International Double-Dutch Jump Rope Championship held in London each year. Normally Nigella doesn’t jump rope, but after a few hits of cocaine she was ready to get even higher!

The accident happened as Lawson attempted the difficult Double McDougal Flip causing her enormous breasts to become tangled in the rope. Horrified spectators and officials watched as Nigella, the turners, and her partner collided in a jumble of rope, costumes, and flesh.

Jumping partner, Jeremy 'Fire Feet' Curtis, was also injured after the jumping rope stretched and back-snapped hittting him in the groin. Curtis was given a seditive and he returned to his home under a nearby bridge.

Police consider Lawson's enormous breasts dangerous weapons resulting from a 2002 arrest where she tit-slapped her business manager so severly, he suffered brain damage resulting in his being institutionalized at All Saints Hospital. He is considered a total parapalegic since the unfortunate assault.

Doctors say Nigella's 'assets' will suffer, as her left tit points North, while her injured right tit now points permantely South. Since the accident, Nigella has purchased a Maidenform magnetic brassiere which corrects the inconsistent pointing problem but has caused other mishaps, both in the kitchen and in public places.
Last week, paramedics were called during a TV taping session when Nigella inadvertently turned herself too fast and her brassiere became magnetically attracted toward the all metal refrigerator resulting in an injury where Nigella’s nose was dislocated and had to be re-set before taping could continue.
The week before Nigella embarassed herself in front of friends as her magnetically charged boobies kept drawing all the silverware toward her side of the table.
Another incident happened during Sunday services at her church, where coins from the collection plate sailed across the isle finally plastering all over the front of her dark jacket.

Nigella’s producers have taken steps to protect their star by replacing all chef’s knives used on the show with ceramic ones.



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