by captain america on 07/03/11 at 9:04 am
Brits woke up today to bad news and good news! First the good news. WMD’s have been found to exist, nearly a decade after their alleged existence led to bloody conflict in Iraq. The Bad news is that they’re in Britain, and mandated by the European Union!
MI-6 officials confirmed today that a plot does exist to scatter the WMD’s throughout the UK in the form of compact fluorescent lamps, a diabolical plot hatched by a cabal of light bulb manufacturers financed and given political backing by Hedge Fund Guru and Green Goblin Al Gore!
The bulbs mandated by the Council of Ministers are set to replace all incandescent bulbs used throughout the free world, some backward areas like The Isle of Wight still rely on candles, but are manufactured with significant traces of mercury, another chemical also controlled by Gore’s Hedge Fund whose major contributor is George Soros who makes his money shorting nation’s currency and fomenting progressive social causes in order to reap huge profits.
According to the German Environmental Protection Agency, the bulbs when broken emit a toxic vapor and the Agency says they pose a significant risk, especially if more than one is broken at any one time through accident or a programmed’ occurrence.
“If you’re in a closed room and one of these bad boys gets compromised you’ve got about 15 minutes to vacate the area before you’re taken out, “said Helmut Wachenschlichter, head scientific investigator for
the Hamburg Polizei.
Helmut, a former Stasi commander in East Germany before defecting to the West said it was the most diabolical scheme he had ever seen. “Most of these WMD’s are made in China, and produced very cheaply.
It would be easy for them to program the bulbs to have an active life of anywhere from 2 days to 2 years, and program them all to fail at the same time causing a major toxic vapor cloud that could overwhelm a country!
In fact, it’s so diabolical and clever, I wish we had thought of it….the wall would still be up!”
Rather than being found out by an ever vigilant counter terrorism squad, the threat was unfortunately uncovered by a binman who inadvertently stuck his head into a wheelie bin to check if the council member had put any illegal items into the trash. Binmen have been instructed to not pick up any bins with mixed rubbish and to report the violator which will result in a severe fine leveled by the Council, loss of a week’s jobseeker’s allowance, and suspension of their beer rationing card.
In this tragic instance, the binman, identified only as “Ian” from somewhere near Yorkshire, was quickly overwhelmed by toxic fumes from a broken compact bulb and is still on life support stacked up in a hallway waiting for treatment in a nearby NHS facility.
Al Gore was unavailable for comment, but a spokesman for his lightbulb company said the reports were ‘completely unfounded’ and an effort to discredit the Nobel Prize winner.
The spokesman went on to say if the world didn’t replace all their bulbs with Al’s within the next 6 months
‘we can’t guarantee it won’t stop snowing in Britain anytime soon!”
Taking no chances, Parliament has taken the radical step of conducting business by throwing the switch and turning out all lights. “I think we’re better off continuing to work in the dark,” said diminutive speaker
John Bercow. Said Tory Claire Perry, described as a ‘Cameron Cutie’ already incensed at not being recognized to speak by Bercow, “what do I have to do around here to get a little light on the subject, give the little bastard a blow job?”
While the EU contemplates this latest conundrum, Britain is said to be returning to the “Dark Ages” for it’s own ‘elf ‘n safety.
More if the light ever dawns on the Brits.