by captain america on 30/03/11 at 2:32 pm
New York City-(SatireWorld.com)
The dazed and confused Limey reporter, Harold Worth, admitted today that perhaps he was a bit hasty in leaving his roots in Britain and traveling to the US in order to start a new life under an old identity and without learning how to speak the language.
Speaking through a translator, who was originally from Yorkshire and wore blue shoes, Worth said his visit has been marred with misery, mayhem and misunderstandings as he tried vainly to get his point across in the typical mundane, methodical way of a Brit A Broad (sic).
“Jist not havin’ much luck, ya see Mate. Last night the date I found in the NY Post Personals told me to go take a ‘flyin’ F****’ when I tried to pay her with some Euros…..well, that was a close one, I almost hurt myself somethin’ terrible when she moved at the last minute…luckily I was only ‘alf stiff at the time ‘cuz I only had one pint up to that time!”
“That didn’t go so well, so I finally found what looked like a pub from me home town…kinda seedy and run down with a dart board. When I finally got to the bar and made eye contact, I axed, “ken a bloke get a taste of a warm Stella anyplace in this country?” Seems the barkeep, name wuz Jack, had a wife named Stella…well, that’s when the dust up started…punched him good I did, before making my strategic retreat!”
“Made me way across town, at least they have busses here, even though they’re only ground floor flats and not a two decker, wound up on East 46th Street and tried to get in to Spark’s Steak House to see if any Italians still went there after ‘the troubles’ when Big Pauli got hit getting out of his limo. They still have the chalk outline of his body on the sidewalk outside the front door and it’s quite the tourist attraction.
Well, trying to be friendly and such I axed the doorman, ‘hey Gumba….wot’s the special tonight, fettuccine
“Anyway…he told me to go shit in my hat and reached for his heater…wot a mess I wuz…a homeless man even pointed at me and called me ‘shit for brains!’
“Talked to a nice lass the other night, ‘alf nekked she was, standing right under a lamp post, she seemed to take to me awright…axed me up to her room but when I tolt her she had a great arse and would like to bend her over the sink, she got real kinky and tolt me to ‘stick a cork innit’…not wot I had in mind for a fiver, mind ya….I might ‘ave been in a sea goin adventure in me youth, but I left the buggerin to those that fancied it!”
“I dunno…maybe the Colonies ain’t the place for me…I dinna speak the language…jist the other night
I wound up in this ritzy men’s club by accident, they thought I was the entertainment and let me in, classy guys with made up on and lots of bling, so naturally being new here, and mostly broke, I axed a group could I ‘bum a fag’…..well, that was the first time people really seemed to like me since I got here, unfortunately it was in a decidedly gay way…if ya git me drift.”
“I dunno…maybe I should jist head to Thailand and live with a Monkey…they’re supposed to make good pets, are good housekeepers and don’t ask much of yer. Maybe a life on the beach in Pattaya enjoying some rum and coconut milk….but maybe I’ll jist get lost over there too…a cab driver told me last week when I asked him who was buried in Grant’s tomb I couldn’t find me arse with both hands….maybe a good Life Coach with a PhD and a view into the future….the last one didn’t work out….she was dyslectic and my life started to spin in reverse….go figure!”
Things may be looking up however, a Rabbi on his way home after a Bris stopped to talk to Harold and even offered him a tip to cheer ‘em up.
When last seen Harold was hitch hiking to Massachusetts hoping to catch the Liverpool Red Sox take on Manchester United in Fenway Park.