by Bargis Tryhol on 28/04/11 at 11:19 amPortsmouth, England-(SatireWorld.com)
There are collectors and there are real collectors. Some people are content to save stamps or coins. Others express their happiness with vintage record albums, or memorabilia. Among collectors of the unusual, bumbling limey reporter Harold Worth stands out far from the crowd.
When one enters Worth’s fashionable and well maintained flat, you’re are struck with the decorating skills that make the home’s entrance comfortable and engaging…That is until you walk into the living room where along all three walls are 22 working urinals, just like the ones found in men’s rooms across the world.
“Yes, I collect them and several are vintage models,” claims Worth as he picked up a fresh pink urinal cake and tossed into ‘old Number 4′ as indicated on the embossed sign above the yawning porcelain cavern.
“Yes, Old Number 4 came from the supplier that made them for the Titanic and this model is an exact duplicate of the ones used on that ship. When you flush it, the water gurgle sounds exactly like the ship’s last moments before it slid beneath the water! I like the part where you can hear the ship’s musicians say..Fuck this, I’m out of here!”"
One unusual urinal was completely mirrored and struck me as a tad odd, but Worth explained that it was a ‘self-confidence’ enhancer that had a micro-chip recording built into the body that’s activated when a warm urine stream splashed against the surface.
“My chums from the Oasis Bar and Grille get a big kick out of that one. In fact, I loaned it to the bar for about six months. Had to remove because guys wouldn’t move and let others use it. First of all, the mirrors are concave and enhances their size in the relection, secondly, the micro-processor plays ‘Hey there Big Boy’ with a French accent!”
Another unusual urinal (number 10) had a spinner device that spun as an aimed stream hit it. Closer observation showed it to be a miniature roulette wheel. The urinal had a coin slot on the right side where gambling pissers could actually place a wager.
“You like that one huh? So did a good friend of mine who happens to be rich. We managed to take a bunch of money from that old chap one night before he ran out of piss. Guys like him always do, way before they run out of money.”
Almost un-noticed was a vintage water fountain in the corner. Worth explained that after his rich friend visited they realized they could have earned more money from Urinal Number 10 if there were plenty of water on hand.
Perhaps the most unusual was a caricature urinal shaped like Barack Obama’s head, complete with Dumbo ears, a well tanned appearance, and of course, a wide smile…..”Like that one huh? Watch what happens when you pull the flush handle.”
Once pulled, the large ears on each side of the urinal start to flap and the large brown eyes roll in a circle. Hidden from view, a recording device began playing the Communits National Anthem….The Internationale.
The last two had a signs on them…Do Not Use. I asked what the signs meant and Worth readily replied….”Oh those two. Both are fake ones. The white one is made of lightweight plastic with pressure sensitive tape on the back. My friend the Cap is a real jokester and likes to take it to a mall, or museum, or hotel lobby and stick it on a wall then stand in front of it while he hums a tune. Really, it gets people talking, though his wife gets very embarassed by it all.”
I had to ask, since he didn’t tell what the last ‘do not use’ urinal was all about since I was intrigued by the whole collection and a urinal in a lime green color had me fascinated.
“Well, go ahead, stand close in front of it and unzip a tad.” I sheepishly followed his instructions and began to unzip… Suddenly a forcefull stream erupted from the rear of the urinal spraying my crotch with a thin stream of water.
“Yes, that one sprays back at you. Really pisses a fellow off especially if he’s all dressed up and has to walk back into the dining room looking like he just peed himself.”
The usual congenial Harold Worth offered us a pitcher of Stella and afterwards the usual complimentary choice of urinals before leaving.