by captain america on 15/06/11 at 9:04 amLondon, England (SatireWorld.com)
The Admirialty Office of Strategic Services
Britain’s Bathtub Admiral, and just half of the nation’s dysfunctional Coalition, David Cameron, announced today that the HMS Victory, the World’s oldest commissioned warship, will be re floated and activated in order to protect the nation’s interests in the Falklands crisis.
The announcement was said to be a response to the uproar caused by the scraping of the HMS Invincible, a light aircraft carrier which saw duty in the last Falklands War, known as
“The Big Sheep Dip’ and mainly responsible for keeping the tiny island under the Union Jack after a nasty bit of business with the Argentinians which took the lives of 255 brave men.
Britain, once the world’s largest sea power, has been reduced of late to a handful of patrol ships, non worthy of the title ‘ship of the line’ as the Island Nation is now required to either lease ships from the US, or rely on the largess of the French to share their ships in order to preserve their disappearing sovereignty.
The 100 gun ‘battlewagon’ has been supported in dry dock in Portsmouth Naval Yard,and has been serving as a naval museum since the 1920′s with millions of paying tourists visiting and marveling over her construction and incredible history.
Said Cameron, ” It’s time to return to our roots, to rekindle the British Spirit and pride in it’s Navy, it’s ships, and the men who sailed them! Besides, this will be a statement on our commitment to halt global warming as the HMS Victory sets sail with NO CARBON FOOTPRINT!”
The EU council of ministers applauded the decision saying it showed “a renewed respect for the planet, and foreshadows nothing but good things to come as we move Europe back to the 17th Century and return to the time when Aristocrats ruled the masses and kept everyone in their place for the betterment of mankind!”
The 3500 ton Victory, 227′ long with a 51 foot beam, and drawing 28’9″ with a clad copper bottom and carrying 6500 yards of sail on her 3 masts is said to be capable of making 8 Knots when her bottom is clean, as long as there is no fog, and the seas aren’t above 3′.
The Admiralty, reeling from laying off 5,000 proud sailors, and dealing with the fact they have two aircraft carriers scheduled for completion in 2020 that will never be commissioned due to lack of funds and planes to staff them, has put out a call for
a new crew of 820 to staff the proud relic.
“It’s going to be tough, ” said a spokesman, ” we need a crew, none of which can be over 5’3″ in order for them not to be continually bumping their heads between decks, willing to sleep in a rope hammock, and able to survive on a minimum allotment of Grog.
Most Brits today couldn’t make due on the meager liquor ration compared to the way most of our lads and lasses are addicted to the grape these days!”
Another stumbling block will be the old naval rules where “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell isn’t even an option.
“We won’t be putting up with any buggering below decks,” said the spokesman, “this will be the one area where we will not go along with the EU…we do have some standards you know in the Royal Navy (RN), we don’t care what the Frogs say!”
The office of Naval Supply & Provisions said that things will be a lot better for this crew.
“There’s been remarkable advancements in the preservation of food since 1765,” said Mess Steward Sean O’Malley, ” we’ve got canned vegetables, dried rations, smoked meats, and the biggest improvement of all, bottled water!”
Ship Physician Sir Victor Nicholas, DDM, agreed. “No more slimy water and weevils in the Biscuits…and plenty of lemons in the lemonade…that’s just the ticket for a happy and healthy crew, by Gawd!”
The one concession to modern technology is the installation of a small solar panel in order to generate enough power for the galley’s micro wave oven.
The one legged ships cook, always called “Slushy” in the old days after the floating grease on the daily special was ecstatic with the news.
“Wonder of the modern world, innit? No more sticking a fork in a good leg to see if’s it’s done. Just set the temperature and time and before you know it you’ve got a perfectly prepared roast…no more ragging the cook for an underdone or overdone hunk of meat!”
Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition I say, and may the Devil Take the hindmost, but not in a gay way!”
The Admiralty expects the HMS Victory to be fully operational and staffed by December, and plans a sailing as soon as high tide arrives on the last full moon of the month.
“If we can just get by the Isle of Wight and not hit the ferry in the fog we should be all right,” said the Portsmouth Pilot “Blind Henry” FrigginBothom, “as long as the fog don’t set in and we have a pair of sharp eyes in the crows nest, things should go smoothy. If not, may God Save Us All!”