by captain america on 15/08/11 at 12:54 pmHealth and Safety Officials have issued a $5,000 reward for who ever put out a bagged body ignoring recycling efforts imposed by the local Peckham council.
“Not only did who ever did it ignore the pickup day, which is every 3rd Thursday in the month,” said Dustbin Warden Percy Hardone, “they didn’t have the common decency to deposit it in the red dustbin labeled “Medical Waste!”
The body, allegedly that of a 5′ ‘skeletal man’, dressed formally in ties and tails, was found trussed in a wind surfing bag casually discarded into the bushes along a well traveled road.
Archeologists from Scotland Yard are studying the ‘still unassembled bits and pieces,” according to a spokesman, but the preliminary finding is “suicide by mis-adventure.”
Initial forensic testing indicates that the man expired sometime around November 5 of last year, Guy Fawkes night, after an evening of celebrating and over indulgence in the spirits, according to acting Chief Inspector Daffy Thistlewaithe, recently appointed after the recent political purge at the yard left no one capable in charge.
“His clothes still smelled of smoke, much like you’d expect from someone drinking around a campfire, his trousers were urine stained and down about his ankles…a pretty classic case if you ask me, ” said Thistlewaithe.
“Bloke was probably half in the bag already when someone came along and put the rest of him innit…open and zipped case as far as I’m concerned….silly bugger!”
This is just the latest case since the baffling discovery of MI6 agent Gareth Williams found snugged up in a zipped and locked wheelie bag in his apartment last year.
Williams was said to be working on sophisticated phone hacking techniques employed by the Russians, as well as reporters at News of the World, and was about to go public according to conspiracy theorists close to #10.
Adding to the mystery is the report a Russian Embassy Car was seen in the vicinity of the latest “Thump & Dump”, and that a mysterious foreign couple were seen to be coming and going from William’s flat a day before his body was found.
Russian Watchers say all this is pointing to the run up for the elections in Russia where Vladimir Putin is pulling out all the stops to get re elected as President after a brief stint as Prime Minister.
Putin, the former KGB strongman, movie actor (he starred in the remake of “Cocktail” reprising the Tom Cruise role where he is famous for inventing the Plutonium Aperitif,)
scuba diver seen going down with a scantily clad Olympic swimmer, and reportedly holds a black belt in Karate.
He is said to have recently bounced his former gymnastic lover, and has taken up with his newly appointed “staff pornographer” although she is said to only be proficient with a Box Camera.
Putin has also enlisted a bunch of Nubile Russian Playmates in his Re Erection Campaign who are offering free Nude Car Washes while they wait for marriage proposals from besotted middle age males from the UK and the US.
Meanwhile, his former protege Dimitry Medvedev, is said to be readying his own campaign to retain the seat he’s grown rather fond of, and is reportedly readying a blistering robo phone and twitter texting campaign of his own.
A Putin party spokesman said “our leader is aware of the oppositions attempt to smear him, and has already taken steps to thwart his dastardly efforts. We have recently become aware of some shocking revelations about Mr. Medvedev, and all will be revealed soon!”
The spokesman denied reports that former NOW Editor in Chief Rebekuh Brooks was seen chatting with Anna Chapman over a bowl of borsch and drinks at a Moscow Cafe and later was picked up by a Pravda limo for a ride back to the home office.
A waiter at the Cafe said the two were drinking “Ginger Gimlets;” 3 fingers of Stoly with a touch of beet juice, shaken and not stirred served in a frosted rocks glass.
“They were pretty well hammered,” said the server identified as “Boris,”, “Actually, they were pissed by the time they downed 4 of them….laughin’ and giggling over politics and something they called ‘suitcase diplomacy’. Thought we’d have to wheel the pair of ‘em out of here…pair of slappers if you ax me Comrade!”