by HMS Pantiliner on 24/09/11 at 1:42 pmLondon – (SatireWorld.com)
The Ghanaian trader who’s racked up $2.3billion of illegal debt at Swiss bank UBS ‘may be wholly unaware of his mystery genome’ defence attorneys suggested today.
Secret swab tests from the US Presidential State Visit to London this May could now hold the clue to Kweku Adoboli’s Icarus-like plunge from the heights that now see him remanded in custody until 20 October on massive fraud charges.
But getting hold of Obama’s DNA sample had been considered nigh impossible; because like previous American Presidents such as Bill Clinton, the current White House incumbent is paranoid about having all traces of personal DNA destroyed in situ.
This meant all crockery, cutlery, glassware and napery touched by Mr Obama and his wife during the Buckingham Palace State Banquet had to be immediately irradiated to destroy any trace of chromosomal make-up.
A his n hers mobile chemical lavatory designed by Secret Service boffins was on standby 24/7 as the Presidential couple refused to take a dump in the Palace’s historic composting lav (can’t blame them!)
Its contents are believe to have been eventually freeze-dried before processing in an industrial crematorium along with used tampons, tissues, bedlinen and so forth…
Someone who used to play Texas Hold ‘Em with Rahm Emanuel said today “Kweku Adoboli is NOT Barack Obama’s son,” as rivulets of sweat traced a very nervous tic that’s developed during the last few days following the trader’s arrest and arraignment.
If only Barack hadn’t sneezed at the UK Diplomatic Protection Officer guarding him at Westmonster Hall where the President made his daftass speech…
“There’s always plenty of DNA in a faceful of sputum, heheh,” a UK National Poisons Unit source chuckled today.
Expect this story to unravel further.