UK Issues Martin Shuttlecock Postage Stamp
by Meagan Hotstuff on 16/10/11 at 11:10 am
The Martin Shuttlecock postage stamp-As a set of four- £4.60. When released, Shuttlecock's friends down at the Oasis Pub bought him a round of pints for the old sot until things got out of hand when a close friend's drunkedness caused him to urinate in Shuttlecock's pants pocket.
The Royal Mail Group Limited introduced the new Martin Shuttlecock Postage Stamp to a mostly stunned and open mouthed crowd of reporters. Over the hushed crowd, the Secretary immediately tried to explain the importance of bringing newer, more youthful stamp collectors and users into the UK’s postal system.
“Look folks, with the newer generations of consumers, we have to try to approach things on their terms. Afterall, our citizens love seeing British writers, movie actors, and singing stars look like sluts, drunks and perverts right?”
Citing sales figures that showed a significant slump, while internet usage has skyrocketed in recent years, the Secretary explained, that with the introduction of the notoriously drunken Shuttlecock’s image on a stamp, more average citizens will be able to related to a normal, well-mannered Englishman and will allow the postal service to sell more postage, therefore limiting future postage costs to consumers.
Royal Mail delivered 84 million items every working day and had a network of 14,376 post offices with a revenue of £9.056 billion, and profits before tax were £312 million in 2006.[8] Since that time, profits have dropped year on year –£233 million in 2006-7 falling to a £10 million trading deficit in 2007.
“In our future, we see Lady Gaga stamps, Pixie Lott shipping cartons, and probably plenty of David Cameron red tape too!”
The Secretary discounted the rumor that the Shuttlecock stamp will only be available in the lickable format and that the supposed dry glue backing was beer flavored.
“Actually, most people we’ve polled claim they’d probably spit on the back anyway!”
According to un-named sources, Shuttlecock was chosen since he best fits the British image of a typical drunken pub-bore with little or no respect for people around him.
Lady Godiva
Oct 16th, 2011
Great idea. This will probably the first of a ‘set’. It’ll be a Colonel Juan stamp next I bet…closely followed by Juanita and the rest of the puppets……:-)
captain america
Oct 16th, 2011
….as the UK Censorship Bureau said, If you can’t beat ‘em, lick ‘em!
…they must be salivating….
Lady Godiva
Oct 16th, 2011
Does that mean they’ll be licking us lot next…..Noooooooo!
Think about it lol
captain america
Oct 16th, 2011
…no telling what an English Gentleman is capable of….
Bargis
Oct 16th, 2011
Shuttlecock’s alter-ego Skoob spends more time reading SatireWorld stories than what his dorky friends submit as stories over at you-know-where!
Lady Godiva
Oct 16th, 2011
Bargis….I’ve noticed that myself…judging by some forum entries and stories he writes lately. Sad isn’t it? Said he’s preparing for his next video…..I just can’t wait. Will we have to wait ’till the pubs kick out though? Mind you…..he DID say that was just an act…that slurring and everything…..lol
Uncle USA
Oct 16th, 2011
An excellent story Dame Meagan Hotstuff.
I just saw the pork pie hat-wearing old fool’s YouTube videos.
The Brit twit sounds like he gargled with sawdust.
captain america
Oct 16th, 2011
….worse than a Beaver…what do you expect when you chaw on
a big Woody…..chips ‘a course, elementary, THAT!
Colonel Stuart Peter Pinxit
Oct 17th, 2011
I myself am preparing a Youtube presentaion. It will be in documentary format. I intend to interview the following so called `writers` and tell them that their true identities will be hidden, of they wont be. First of all I am heading to interview the biggest fool of them all Armfeetandcock (Gary H) at his tiny little rag and bone out in West Sussex, then I will be heading to Oxford to interview Pinxit (who claims to be a designer, but, is in fact a lary ugly twat named Peter O who likes nothing more than kiddie fiddling) Then I will interview that total prick Duncan Whitehead (Monkey Woods) and find out why he used to just rehash his old stories and cause aggrevation in the forums , then I am heading to see that moron brother of mine Stuart WanKerr (The other Colonel Juan) – we are meeting over a glass of red wine, however him being a raving homosexual we shall meet during the day. Then I intend to look up Paul (Monkey Woods) and the other one (Fergus) and find out where the hell they went to. Finally I shall interview some poorer, lesser know inviduals such as Lynton Prick, the pretend army guy in France, the little creepy woman Ellie James and of course no interview about these shadowy figures would be complete without a interview with pork pig himself Lowton.
Bargis
Oct 17th, 2011
Colonel, you’ll be a busy man. Need I remind you to bring some Lysol and handy latex gloves, that.
Lady Godiva
Oct 17th, 2011
Don’t forget to get all the proper innoculations before approaching any of the above individuals.