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Too Late! Fergus McCarthy Throws His Hat in Ring for Ireland’s Presidency!

by captain america on 28/10/11 at 3:21 pm

(SatireWorld.com)

Friends of Irish Poet, Contractor, and Artist, Fergus McCarthy said they weren’t surprised that the crusty curmudgeon filed for the Irish Presidency just minutes too late.

“He’d be late for his own funeral, that un,” said plaster contractor Sean McDivot,after hearing that the election featuring seven colourful, but much less talented political hopefuls, were on the ballot for yesterday’s election.

The eager contestants, a former IRA leader, a song contest winner, a gay rights organizer, an energetic backer of the special olympics, a labour minister, a bin man, and a self published writer are all awaiting the results from the election.

Meanwhile, Satire World was able to get an interview with the reclusive McCarthy, catching up with him on the roof of his new home, where he was still installing a few final shingles before winter.

Fergus said he wasn’t mad he missed the deadline, “Nah, I wasn’t really keen on the idea in the first place. It was me wife and me mates that pushed me into it really after hearing me stump speeches down at the contractor’s union hall.”

“Look here, see, plain as the red nose on an Irishman’s face. The first thing you do when building a house, you check the ground to insure you have a firm foundation. You don’t build it on bloody sand…look at Greece, Portugal and Spain…drifty bastards…shifting this way and that don’t cha know…not someplace you want to build a structure if you want it to last.First the cracks show up at the weak points, next thing you know the whole foundation caves in!

“Then there’s the walls. Gotta build them plumb and on the level. Something you know ain’t goin’ happen with the Frogs and the Italians…crooked bastards all of them.

Look at Bunga-Bunga and the Snail Dwarf…keep throwing up walls, never check for square and plumb, “F*** it Nail It’ is their motto. Would have thought we’d learned a few things about their kind during the last 300 years or so!”

“How bout a roof? First, a roof line adds character to the overall structure in addition to helping to bear the weight of things like mother nature and an economy gone down the drain.

“Build a structure with a flat roof with a load limit of 20 pounds per square foot you’re just askin’ for trouble when you have a big snow fall, or some daft group lets a horde
of immigrants flow in to jump on your house.

The roof was designed to hold up only so much weight, after all, with no margin of error. When you expect it to support 6 times it’s designed limit, it’s goin’ collapse ’round yer head, innit?”

“Now, a nice hip roof, there the thing. Nice look about it, and designed to shed weight equally to all sides. Kinda like what a democracy is supposed to do. And gutters don’t hurt neither…collects the run off, and channels the water away from your foundation
so the basement don’t get flooded with 22 people in one family livin’ there an all.

“A structure with no pitched roof and gutters goin’ get flooded out eventually, git me drift?”

“And don’t talk to me about Greeks! Count on them to do your roof you’ll have leaks! Shiftless bastards! Don’t know nowt about proper flashing ‘n that, wouldn’t want to count on their work on a rainy day…guaranteed you’re going to get soaked. And then what, some commission sends over a few Belgians with a bucket of tar to dab a few holes…you know them leaks are goin’ to come back in a different place! Show me a lazy socialist who claims he can put a dry roof over your head and I’ll show you a leaky, lyin’ Bastard!

“Gotta love these politicians. You see a spark in you light socket which could lead to a fire, you cut off the power and call for an electrician.

“If you’re a politician, you call a summit meeting of 27 useless types that don’t know how to stop a toilet from overflowing to talk about it. Meanwhile the house burns down and then they all agree to file a claim with the Chinese insurer for twice the amount of the damage while the folks in the house that burned down are left out in the cold!

“Them politicians…all actors. Only time I pretended to be someone I wasn’t it was Halloween and I dressed up like the Pope. Almost had me arse shot off by one of my neighbors…learnt my lesson I did!”

Meanwhile as the votes are being tabulated to see who the next President of Ireland will be, the Irish Economy continues to try and dig out of the mass of debt inspired by low interest money from the IMF and the lax fiscal and restrictive social policies of the European Union.

The Irish balloon that was the “Tiger Economy” burst with lots of young people employed in the ‘tech’ business, which entitled them to snazzy BMW’s, multiple cell phones, big flat screens and a grand life style, now wondering where their next pint will be coming from.

“You got to look at the big picture, but mind the details,” said McCarthy, a talented amateur artist with a fan brush who graduated from the Bob Ross school of art.

“You got your big sky , happy clouds, and cheerful daffodils an all, but it’s the details that count. If you notice all my pictures have all that, and then there’s a cabin standin’ by itself in the woods. Unless you look close, you won’t see the little things.

My houses all have folks workin’ on ‘em, painting the trim, glazin’ the windows, adjusting the doors to keep out the cold…thing is see, if you don’t work at something to keep it up, the whole structure eventually is going to decay collapse inward on itself..can’t understand why people can’t see that with just a bit of work you can keep yourself dry, warm and fed…strange innit? Build ‘em right, build ‘em tight…that’s me motto, and I’m stickin’ to it!”

Can’t wait for the Recall Election. Fergus McCarthy, my write in candidate for the Universal Common Sense Party. Cranky Bastard, though!