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Obama Vows to Save London’s Olympics: Mandates 10,000 New TSA Agents Will Be Sent to UK

by captain america on 14/11/11 at 8:57 pm

London (UK) – (SatireWorld.com)

With the announcement that UK officials woefully underestimated the need for security for the upcoming Olympics by over 50%, President Obama renewed an old business deal from 1939 announcing the latest twist to the famous ‘lend/lease’ deal which pulled Britain from the brink of defeat at the start of WWII.

Instead of sending destroyers and merchant ships loaded with munitions, tanks and jeeps, Obama authorized the call up of over 10,000 Acorn Urban Guerillas to be pressed immediately into TSA, the invasive arm of Homeland Security, and told them to get ready to deploy to Britain prior to the Olympics to provide additional security.

Labeled the “Grope ‘n Poke” squad, the TSA has come under fire in the US for it’s unvetted employees who have been responsible for a spate of sexual harassment suits, thefts from baggage, shootings, domestic violence cases, armed robberies, drug peddling, and more than a few murders, although non were associated with the recent Penn State Pedophile Scandal as most had not graduated from High School let alone got more than 116 on the SAT tests (combined) and preferred basketball over football.

US officials had expressed concern over the lack of policing during the recent London ‘troubles’ where chavs ran wild looting, pillaging and vomiting, mostly over themselves.

The unarmed constables in the UK, led my spineless administrators, and hamstrung by the EU Human Rights Laws, are said to be totally unprepared to handle the unruly crowds and battalions of terrorists, most already in the country due to a recently discovered gap in common sense by a Home Secretary who decided to relax entrance requirements.

The 10,000 strong Obama army will come under the auspices of the Service Employees International Union (SEIU) which thanks to former president Andy Stern, helped Obama in the 2008 election.

Once the union employees reach the UK, they will be paying additional dues to Unite, the British Union which holds a strangle hold on the country, threatening, and carrying out, strikes every other month, and led by General Secretary Len McCluskey.

Full details have yet to be worked out due to minority and cultural diversity questions, not to mention religious freedom over what venues the ACORN draftees will be overseeing.

Taking into account the Brits’ sensitivities, Unite Security Forces will be in charge of the Shooting Competition and will not frisk, x-ray, or strip search the Palestinian Hamas Team in the 100m, 200m, or 500m AK-47 competition, and in fact, contestants will be allowed to wear their burkas and not be forced to identify themselves before they take to the firing line.

In one concession, demanded by the US, the Rocket Propelled Grenade contest will be held on the Isle of Wite, well away from the more populous suburbs of London.
Iraqi, Syrian, Saudi Arabian, and Mexican interpreters are said to be in high demand for the venue to prevent inadvertent collateral damage on the island.

TSA will be in charge of the badminton contests and will be thoroughly checking out all the imported shuttlecocks brought into the match to assure that they are of the correct weight, proportion, and not made from the feathers of any endangered species.

Badminton will be taking place in Dorking, and a spokesman said crowd control could be a problem, with most of the Dorks showing up for the fiercely competitive matches and wearing their team colours. Beer sales are expected to be ‘brisk’ according to local pub owners and book sellers.

The ‘football’ matches are said to be ‘problematic’, especially with plans by local breweries to be offering free beer to the Spanish, Italians, Turks, Romanians, and Russian fans expected to show up ready for a ‘dust up.’ A spokesman for the MET appeared confidant saying, “…they’re all good lads out for a bit of fun…I’m sure a few well measured words from the dozen or so constables on the scene will keep things cool and manageable. If things go wrong, thanks to the CCP cameras we’ll eventually sort them all out and they be made to pay, eventually!”

According to a joint statement from UNITE and SEIU an agreement has been reached allowing the Bits to strike on Wednesday, Friday and Sunday during the games, with the SEIU gang getting Monday, Tuesday, Thursday with Saturday being a day off for rest, relaxation and negotiations.

The US Marine Color Guard is said to be preparing to carry the colors with weapons fully loaded, cocked and locked during the opening and closing ceremonies, with Seal Team Six standing by to make an extraction of any threatened US team members without regard to collateral damage.

Sally Bercow is said to be leading the British Contingent at the opening ceremony wrapped in the Union Jack and trailed by a cavalcade of Gypsies as an episode in her new reality show for the BBC.