Home Secretary Theresa May Calls for Press Conference Yesterday Over Pensioner Accused of Killing 4′ Rat!
by captain america on 23/04/12 at 10:28 amLondon (UK) – (SatireWorld.com)
A disheveled, dazed and confused Theresa May, the 56 year old MP from Maidenhead (NPI), and the besieged Home Secretary today called for a 3 PM news conference yesterday, to discuss ‘yuman rights as they apply to rats entering the country illegally , posing threats to the populace and being exterminated ‘out of hand.’
Journalists, including scribes from the Guardian, were left to wonder what they had missed the day before as furor mounts as a retired pensioner is being charged with animal abuse after bashing a four foot rat to death after it attacked his pet corgi that was minding it’s own business.
A barrister from the esteemed firm of MUDDER, MUDDER, AND BALDERDASH, said the pensioner, who can not be named for legal reasons, and for his own safety, will be citing the controversial
‘Stand Your Ground Law’ so much in favour in the Colonies.
“It’s a big arse mess and much ado about nothin’ innit’” claimed the famous barrister, ” I suppose them Brussels Sprouts would rather stand by and watch a 15′ rattle snake climb in their window and bite their sleeping child in stead of being turned in to a nice belt or snappy hatband in time for the Queen’s Jubilee!”
That law, also known as the ‘Castle Doctrine’ which is credited with lowering home invasions, criminal burglary rates, and a stunning drop in rapes, except in Chicago, home of the current president, is being cited by besieged homeowners in Manchester, Londonstan, Liverpool,Westminster, Haringey, Barking and Dagenham as long over due as taxpayers and retired citizens are in danger of flash mobs, random knife attacks, and ‘crimes of passion’ against widows as young as 85 in their own flats.
May her self was under siege as she was met with a horde of questions concerning her conference yesterday which no one was alerted in time to attend.
“Well, if you lot knew wot day it ’twas, you would have heard my statements! I can’t keep repeating myself all the time,’ retorted the ‘smartly’ dressed Secretary.
Not noted for her fashion sense the Home Secretary was attired in an ill fitting 3 button patch work blazer apparently salvaged from discarded couches from before the big war and fashionable in the poorer sections of Ireland during the potato famine.
Whilst Ms. May looked like an over stuffed baked potato, the jacket’s certain panache was overmatched by a ‘gathered’ purple skirt seemingly knotted over her meaty right thigh exposing a considerable expanse of pasty white skin, or as one SW stringer noted, ‘more than one should be exposed to,” and this from a journalist who’s covered Hillary Clinton, Debbie Schultz, and Janet Napilatano.
What drew observers attention however, as her outfit was not exceedingly ‘outlandish’ compared to others in her wardrobe, was the pair of Zebra skinned ‘kitten heels’ she’s been known to fancy.
Naturally, with the outrage from Brussels over the killing of the ‘rat from hell’, reporters were keen to see if indeed Ms. May was sporting the skin of a recently culled Zebra from the London Zoo.
A flustered Secretary brushed off the questions saying only, ” I don’t believe they have Zebras in China, or if they did, they must certainly be dead by now anyway!”
A ‘yuman rights council member, said to be on his way to London, has suggested that the supposed ‘rat’, is not a rat at all, but a Bolivian Coypu, also known as a ‘River Rat’ or “Swamp Beaver’, and although in the country illegally should not have been killed out of hand, but housed, fed, and possibly even bred before taking up the weighty issue of deportation, an issue that could take up to 6 years to resolve.
There is also the issue of Bolivian extradition, as the Bolivian government has said repeatedly, “You’ve got ‘em, you keep ‘em….we don’t want no more stinkin’ rats in Bolivian…trouble makin’ BASTARDs them…!”
More News at 11:
Home Secretary Blames Leap Year for being a day early and a pound short!