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Cancellation of IMDb Daily Poll Causes Rioting, Hunger Strikes, Suicides

by Jalapenoman on 23/04/12 at 5:21 pm

Las Cruces,NM – (SatireWorld.com)

Late last week, the Internet Movie DataBase (IMDb) stopped placing their daily poll and daily quote/trivia on their homepage on the web. Instead, they told readers that these items could now be found on their Facebook page. Loss of the daily poll, which generally brought about 20,000 voters (world wide) to the website daily, has caused various reactions across the internet and in society.

In Denmark, 36,000 people marched on the offices of a large computer retailer store (as IMDb has no offices in that nation). They were heard chanting slogans and seen waving signs and carrying banners. Since they were all in the obviously foreign language of Denmarkish, this reporter was unable to interpret them.

Members of the Julian Sands Fan Club begin a sit in/hunger strike at their headquarters and meeting places all over the world. Most of these hunger strikes lasted until it was lunch time, when several locations ordered pizza while others sent someone to pick up burgers. Some participants were upset to learn that drinking Starbucks went against the principles of a hunger strike and left in silent protests of a second subject.

At least three persons are known to have taken their own lives as a result of the loss of the poll.

In London, Mr. Fenton Q. Harbs was found dead in his Lazyboy recliner, a gun in his hand and a suicide note pinned to his chest. It read, in part:

“Every morning, I arose from my bed, logged onto my computer, and checked the daily poll on IMDb. I was always anxiously looking for a repeat of that great triumph that was the Stephen Frears Poll; it was one of my two greatest pleasures in life. Now, since the Mrs. says our Saturday night traditions are going to become monthly at best, I’ve got nothing left to live for.”

As Mr. Harbs had used the corner of the suicide note as a bib to wipe a little jelly from the corner of his mouth, his last line was not completely readable. It had something, however, to do with his love of the recent Alvin and the Chipmunks and Smurf movies.

An unidentified body washed up on the shore of the beach in New York City (recent storms and current monitoring reveal that it could have come from just about anywhere but Kansas). In a plastic bag was a suicide letter stating that “I’ll live in infamy because they never corrected themselves on the Walter Hill/George Roy Hill poll and I still look like the goat.”

One university student placed a posterboard in front of him with the words “Long live the Lawrence Oliver poll” and set himself on fire.

When asked for a response to these public reactions and their reasoning for removing the popular home page items, the IMDb sent a form letter. When asked for answers to specific questions, they sent a second form letter. Further questions drew a third form letter. Additional questions were ignored (as they possibly had only three prepared form letters).

Several regular users of IMDb have had their postings deleted, their account status changed, and/or their accounts blacklisted. When asked how she felt about this, one woman IMDb forum user said “can I answer Daniel Craig? I love polls about Daniel Craig and Heath Ledger and they are always my answer. It makes me very sad that I can’t answer polls about those two hotties any more, even if one of them is a stone cold stiff.”

Members of the IMDB Daily Poll Board were contacted to seek their response to their poll being removed (the Daily Poll Board is a group of people with lots of time on their hands and no real social life). Five of them responded by saying “Betty White” before sharing their true opinion. Another large group stated that “IMDb is just a bunch of Facebook Whores!”

No one in the group was without a strong opinion. Unfortunately, “facebook whore” was the only one of those strong opinions that met publication guidelines for decency and could be printed.

A couple of Daily Poll Board regulars pointed out that they were not elibible to participate in the new Facebook alternative to the daily poll as they do not meet the qualifications for Facebook usage:
1. They are over the age of 30
2. They have actual, paying jobs (making them part of the 1%)
3. They do not know how to play Farmville
4. They have more than a 5th grade education
5. They voted a low score on IMDb on “The Social Network,” and so are locked out and blackballed at IMDB
6. They don’t watch American Idol or other reality shows.

One of that group of older Daily Poll Board members also pointed out that they probably wouldn’t fit in on the new Facebook polls anyway as “Facebook voters would probably make the top ten movies something from the last three months, like the newest zombie or Twilight movie. I’d bet money that they have never seen Casablanca, 12 Angry Men, Ran, or know what we mean when we refer to the Odessa Steps sequence (probably thinking it has something to do with a staircase in Texas).”

In Arizona, the state legislature voted to censure IMDb and deport any of the “pinko, commie, liberal, tree hugging, Hanoi Jane loving, left wing, Socialist Obamaites who supported the deletion of the daily poll. We ought to take them sumbitches, nail their peckers to a fence post, set the post on fire, and give them a rusty, serrated knife to cut themselves off.”

In neighboring California, the news from the Capitol included a plan to “force the conservative, racist, gun toting, hate-mongering, fascist, baby seal clubbing wingnuts who killed the daily poll into group therapy. They really need to get in touch with their inner child and repair this damage.”

Additional requests for information and answers from IMDb saw our requests ignored and deleted.

Persons wishing to contact IMDb and have their complaint ignored or receive a form letter should use the following link:

[url] http://www.imdb.com/helpdesk/contact_form [/url]