by Annoying Rash on 09/02/13 at 5:40 am
It’s that time again…..The 2013 Dorking Dorks Awards are out! These annual honors are given to the persons who did the human gene pool the biggest service by disposing of themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
You may recall that last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.
This year’s winner was a genuine weak stomached douchebag…no jive! Read on…and remember that each and every one of these is a true story. The two nominees were:
Semifinalist #1 is…..
A 54-year-old Portsmouth man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 80-foot rail road trestle. Portsmouth police said Ian Younge, a McDonalds fast-food worker, taped a bunch of octopus straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the train trestle railing, jumped and hit the pavement head first. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Youngs was alone because his seatless bicycle was found nearby. “The length of the 92 foot cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the concrete,” Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was “Really major trauma.”
…And the 2013 Winner is:
Mark Lowton, a young Lancaster man, searched for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both himself and his transvestite sister Juanita and some gypsy douchebag simply named ‘Arm.’