by Jalapenoman on 09/02/13 at 12:36 pmPortsmouth,(UK) – (SatireWorld.com)
Harold Worth, former reporter for this publication, was just announced as the winner of the “Win a Shower With Your Favorite Premier League Team” contest. Worth stated in an interview that he would choose to shower with Manchester United and “I’m really looking forward to the experience. It makes me remember with fondness my days in an all boys boarding school and in the Navy. I can’t wait to take in the whole experience! I’m about to be on the receiving end of one of the most pleasurable sporting moments of my life.”
Worth instantly became the envy of all England with the announcement. Martin Shuttlecock, who attempted to win by stuffing the ballot box (almost 200,000 of the twelve million entries were his), was trying to scrape up enough money to buy the prize from the winner. “I’ll throw in my sister, my cat Lucifer, and my share of the royalties from my book: ‘The Dorking Review.’
Another person who attempted to stuff the ballot box electronically with on line entries, known by his blog name of Skoob1999, also wanted to purchase the prize. “Sure, I’ve got the sheep in the fields for pleasure, and I like a roll in the hay with a good Imam or Mullah or Ayatollah in the mornings, but nothing could compare with taking a shower with the boys! It’s something you dream about all your life. I practiced playing drop the soap with my good friend Mark Lowton for weeks in anticipation of winning this contest.”
The runner up prize, two used jockstraps (autographed), was won by a very thrilled Mrs. Kensington (a Bookseller in Birmingham). “I’m going to get these mounted in a shadow box or something and hang them on me wall. I plan on sniffing them for luck each morning.”
Tragically, third prize winner (a dvd of overview of the team’s last season) Ian Youngs was killed yesterday in a bungee jumping accident when he used a cord three and a half meters longer than the bridge he jumped from. Young’s family has yet to decide if they will bury him in his traditional pork pie hat or in his cross dressing stage costume (“Chamone the Female Impersonator”).
Players from Manchester United had mixed feelings about the shower with Harold Worth. While most were happy that “we’re not going to have to get naked and shower with some girl,” others felt that “why couldn’t it have been someone more athletic and good looking than this old man with a tiny penis?”
Harold Worth was once a stringer for this publication, but left soon after the Jimmy Savile pedophile scandal broke in England. Worth’s fairly recent knowledge of Savile actually being his real father devasted the poor sot, but he quickly recovered upon learning Savile left him a few pence, a photo of a young Harold on his knee, and a nice pewter Stella mug. We wish Harold ‘good luck’ with his coveted win and hope he makes many new friends.