by Jalapenoman on 26/02/13 at 4:36 pm
Hollywood, CA – (SatireWorld.com)
Actress Lindsay Lohan has offered to perform oral sex on everyone in America who voluntarily buys tickets to see her next movie. The former child star and one time Disney actress has seen her career decline as an adult, partially due to her drinking, drugs, partying, out of control lifestyle, and arrest record.
Lohan’s last film, “Troglodyte Zombies Versus Vampire Godzilla,” grossed a total of sixty one dollars at the box office (internationally). When the nine people who actually paid to see the movie, which has yet to sell a single DVD or Blue Ray despite being on shelves for twelve weeks, were asked if they’d be willing to tke Lindsay up on her offer, they gave the following responses:
“Oral sex with her? I’d rather get it from one of the Troglodyte Zombies. At least there were no diseases involved… and the Trogs were kind of sexy.” (J. Budda …location withheld on request)
“She’s got so many drugs in her body she’d probably poison my pecker… not that I get a chance to use it that much.” (Mr. Skoobs, England)
“Oh, God, No! I’d never let a woman do that to me!” (Craig “Skippy” Thomas, A aka-SFO) San Francisco)
“Voluntarily? I’d let her do it if I could knock her around a little bit first so it seemed like I was forcing it on her.” (Dean West, Springfield, Ill.)
“I’ve never had a woman do that to me. I’d have to ask my boyfriend if it’s okay first. (Mark Lowton, Lancaster, England)
“I doubt she could even find me penis, it’s so small.” (Martin Shuttlecock, England)
“Can she dress up in the costumes she wore when she was in the remake of The Parent Trap?” (Colonel Juan Juan, Bolivian expatriate in England)
“I could really go for a woman right now. All these guys around me are just so gay! They spend all their time watching Premier League and masturbating with pictures of the players. It’s real difficult for an English girl to get laid these days.” (Chamone Youngs, England)
“A proper English lady would never do that! But then, I’ve never really been a lady.” (Mrs. Kensington, England)
When Lohan learned that the response from her previous audience was so negative, she offered to cut her hair, dress up as a player from Manchester United, and let the English men do her doggie style.
Editor’s note: Looks like the audiences for Lohan’s movies are just as messed up and confused as the actress. Seems they’d go rather well together.