by Jalapenoman on 07/03/13 at 1:39 pm
In a survey of Catholic Priests in English prison for sexual acts against minors (all male victims), it was discovered that 84% of all those surveyed selected Manchester United (Man U) as their favorite football team in the Premier League. Additionally, it was learned that the favorite football team of all pedophile prisoners (acts against under age males) is also Man U (also by 84%). The other 16% were spread through the other teams, with many of the non-Priest convicts actually being former players from the other teams.
Conversely, the favorite of pedophiles convicted of sexual acts against underage females were almost evenly distributed across the board, with Manchester United here being the least favorite club.
From his cell in an unnamed prison, Ivan Jovenes (who wears the team’s official Victoria’s Secret laced athletic supporter under his prison uniform) said that “I loved being a soccer hooligan for Man U. before I got sent inside. Seeing the boys bugger their opponents was the highlight of my day! I drank many a Red Devil (note: a cocktail known as a Pink Lady in all other pubs, taverns, and bars) while watching the boys stick it to the other guys.”
Father Martin Shuttlecock, former team Chaplain for Manchester United, is currently serving 30 to 35 years for multiple sexual acts against minors. He responded to the findings by saying that “many is the day when I would sprinkle a drop of holy water on the penises of all the Man U. gents, blessing them to play hard and lustfully during a big game. Afterwards, I often brought in a local boys choir to entertain the team in their post game cool down and victory celebration. Those were the days!”
“I’d love to relive them all over again, but would need a really strong dose of Viagra to do that when I get out of here (I’ll be so old). These days, the Man U. fans and Priests have to be content buggering those fellows from Dorking that are in here. They seem to enjoy it too!”