F.D.A. Refuses To Allow Import of Breakfast Cereal “Dingleberry Nut Crunch” Into U.S.A.

by on 08/03/13 at 4:01 am

Spokesperson Rosie O'Donnell claim,s she eats two bowls a day and it keeps her 'regular'....We're not sure what that means....

Spokesperson Rosie O’Donnell claims she eats two bowls a day and it keeps her ‘regular’….We’re not sure what that means, but it sounds gross!….

Washington DC – (SatireWorld.com)

The Food and Drug Administration issued a release saying that a new breakfast cereal from England, Dingleberry Nut Crunch, will not be allowed to be imported into or sold in the United States. The cereal, which has become a best seller in the British Isles, has a marketing campaign similar to Wheaties (the cereal box currently features the Man U soccer team). Manufacturers at Dorking Mills intend to appeal the restrictions.

Additionally, Quaker Oats, the maker of Cap’n Crunch and Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries, has sued Dorking Mills for trademark infringement due to the similarity of the names of the products (the Quaker Oats cereal has been in existence since 1967).

From his office at Dorking Mills Cereals and Humor Publications, company President and product inventor Ivan Jovenes issued the following statement: “I have full faith in our product. Yes, it does contain ingredients not normally found in a breakfast food, but the people seem to eat it up on this side of the pond. We didn’t even have to pay our most famous sporting team, Man U., for the rights to put their players on our box.”

“You could say that our cereal packs a real kick in the pants. The flavors and ingredients wake you up fast in the morning and make you want to move quickly.”

“We were trying to set up an advertising and marketing plan with American professional soccer teams and players and with A.Y.S.O., but all of this has been put on hold awaiting our appeal.”

This publication has learned that Dorking Mills has several American celebrities on their side who intend to help with the import restrictions. “Rosie O’Donnel may be our best customer, on either side of the Atlantic,” said Jovenes. She says that the cereal is brain food for her and that she has been secretly sneaking it into California with other packaging for over a year.”

Other Americans known to enjoy the product include Oprah Winfrey (who says that it helps her complexion and skin tone), Nancy Pelosi (who says that she isn’t happy unless she is full of her Dingleberry cereal each day), and Ray Lewis (who says it gives him the strength and size he needs). Even current NFL quarterback Micheal Vick says “eating this cereal gives me fond memories of my youth and my dogs.”

F.D.A. Spokesman Clarence Whiffleball said “are you kidding? Do you know what is in this stuff?”

“Dingleberries are the little poop balls that stick to the fur of a dog’s butt. The nuts in the cereal are actually small pieces of chopped, dried sheep testicles. The “crunch” part is because these poop balls and testicles bits are dried out. This stuff is actually in the cereal!”

“If Rosie says it is brainfood, it means she’s got shit for brains. If Oprah says it helps her complexion and skin tone, it means she looks like shit. If Nancy Pelosi likes to be full of this cereal, it means she likes being full of shit. If Ray Lewis likes how it bulks him up, it means he’s built like a brick shithouse. If Michael Vick says it reminds him of his dogs… well, he killed them!”

“I understand that imports of this cereal into the Middle East have made it the biggest selling breakfast food in the Arab world. We all know how they feel about female sheep over their, but I guess they must like male sheep too!”

Jovenes responded to the trademark infringement lawsuit by saying that “we have a different kind of berry, we also have a lot of nuts (and they don’t), there are a lot of cereals that crunch, and we have a Colonel instead of a Captain. None of that should count.”



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