by Jalapenoman on 23/03/13 at 7:36 pmPortsmouth (UK)- (SatireWorld.com)
Scotland Yard has added the infamous “Portsmouth Peckerhead” to their list of the United Kingdom’s Ten Most Wanted List. The criminal, also known as Harold Worth, Ian Skoob, Skoob1999, Lucifer, Mrs. Kensington, Martin Shuttlecock, and Bookseller, is wanted for several crimes all over the United Kingdom.
Police departments have issued an all points bulletin and hope to be able to apprehend the Portsmouth Peckerhead soon. He is described as being rather skinny with only one nostril and a long nose (giving it the look of a circumcised penis… hence the nickname). This man is also famous for having possibly the world’s smallest penis (the one in the middle of his face dwarfs his real pecker). The Peckerhead is often seen wearing a pork pie hat and in the company of a rather obese woman. He was last seen fleeing the scene of a crime on a bicycle without a seat.
He is wanted for molesting an entire flock of sheep in a London children’s petting zoo. Zookeeper Juan Colonel said “Some of those girls was still virgins and a bunch of ’em was still underage. I’d been offered good money for ’em by a local mosque, til this bloke come along and raped ’em. Some of those Moslem men don’t want used goods, so my price is going to have to go down.”
The Portsmouth Peckerhead is also wanted for questioning into the disappearance of the crew of the H.M.S. Buggerall. Retired Naval Captain Horatio Morse said that “I think the little turd ate my entire crew. I mean in a cannibalistic way, not in a sexual way… well, he probably did that too! After all, it was the Navy! Anyway, I think he ate, then killed, then cooked and ate every last one of ’em.”
“Afterwards, he probably used the wooden leg of Percival Pissgums as a toothpick and cleaned his tooth!”
“I remember his favorite part of the service was when we’d get all the men topside and do a short arms inspection. For him, it was a really, really short short arms inspection, but that part doesn’t matter. While the ship’s doctor would look over the men, Skoob (as we knew him then) would also look over the men and mutter things like tasty!. It made us all nervous to be around him.”
Several women have also reported to the police that Mr. Peckerhead was “always trying to put his nose in my business.” One, a Miss Godiva Dover of Canada, said that “I really didn’t mind the first time, as my boyfriends don’t really like carpet munching that much, but it was all nose! There was no tongue at all to speak of (and enough penis to really even notice). It seemed like I’d just get poked with his nose and then have snot all over my privates without even an excuse me or a tickle.”
Persons with any information on the whereabouts of the Portsmouth Peckerhead should contact their local law enforcement agency. Do not attempt to apprehend him yourself and he should be considered to be armed and dangerous.