“I Got Mad Cow Disease From Eating Gummi Worms”

by on 31/03/13 at 8:10 pm

"No, that's not acne. It's Gummy Worm holes. You see, they live in my face and only come out when the lights are down low. I have names for them now....There's  Sonny, Big Bob, Willie, Josie, Picker, Trudy, Skoob and several new ones  too. "

“No, that’s not acne. It’s Gummy Worm holes. You see, they live in my face and only come out when the lights are down low. I have names for them now….There’s Sonny, Big Bob, Willie, Josie, Picker, Trudy, and several new ones too. “

The following Editorial is an apology from the editor and owner of England’s on line humour magazine: The Spoof.

by Mark Adam Lowton
For the past few years, I’ve been a real dick to everyone. I have run off most of my friends and the people that worked with me and for me. I’ve banned writers from my publication for little or no reason. I’ve gone out of my way to treat Americans like shit. I’ve been inconsistent in just about every aspect of my life.

Now I know why. I’ve got Mad Cow Disease.

I was reading an article on Gummi Bears in Wikipedia and came across the following sentence:
“There has been concern that gelatin in most gummy bears may harbor prions, particularly those that cause bovine spongiform encephalopathy (BSE) in cattle and new-variant Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease in humans.”

Yes, it’s true. I have Mad Cow Disease. People used to accuse me of having “hoof in mouth” disease, but I’ve got the full blown condition.

I used to blame my not being able to stand up on my drinking problem, but now I know it isn’t because I live on a diet of sammiches and beer… lots of beer. I used to blame my headaches on hangovers from excessive drinking of that same beer. I used to blame my deteriorating mental state on, well, my drinking and my gay lifestyle. I used to blame my S.T.D.s on the boys I hang out with (oh, wait, that one isn’t due to Mad Cow).

Now I know better. It is all from the Gummi Worms.

For years, I’ve eaten them for breakfast in a bowl with milk on them. I’ve put them in my lunch and eaten them with my sammich (and even put them on me sammich a time or two). I’ve even dipped them in my beer and had them as a midnight snack. I never thought about the gelatin aspect or the consequences.

They say that this can be sexually transmitted, so I don’t know how many of the writers that I literally bent over have it also (I’d suggest Skoob1999 get tested pretty quick).

I am currently undergoing treatment at a lab and veterinary clinic here in Lancaster. Every day, they are giving me shots and rubbing my crotch down with a special udder cream (the only aspect of my treatment that isn’t painful). The branding was probably the worst part, but I’ve moved past that. I do have all the hay I can eat and get to wear this really cool bell around my neck. I have been promised that there is a 95% success rate for this experimental treatment.

In the future, I promise that I will become the woman I once was (err… that should say “man”). I promise that I will be a nicer, gentler Mark Lowton. I promise that I won’t ban people willy nilly or delete forum posts or shut down the forums. I promise that I won’t play mind games with the writers or let my brother Paul do so either. I promise that I will be fair and consistent in the way that I treat people. I promise that I won’t disappear from the site for days and will respond quickly and professionally to my e-mails. I promise to begin paying my writers for their work, since I am making a buttload of money off of their contributions. I promise to offer an olive branch to the writers I have wronged, especially the Americans, inviting them to come back to the site and restoring their stories and their points (and paying them for all the money they made me). I promise that I will….

Ah hell, who am I kidding? I’ll probably still be an asshole when this is over. Now, moooo-ve over and pass me a beer, dammit!

2 Responses to ““I Got Mad Cow Disease From Eating Gummi Worms””

  1. Jalapenoman

    Mar 31st, 2013

    Hey Lowton,

    You forgot to mention all of the timely stories that you killed by sitting on them a few days before posting… or taking away “veteran writer” status… or the stories that you’d kill by moving them to “magazine… or the stories that you’d kill by editing out the funny parts or changing the titles…

    Now that you’ve got Mad Cow disease, I think that you’ll probably still be as “bossie” and won’t gain any of the milk of human kindness.

    We always knew that you had “hoof in mouth disease” and this just helps to prove it.

  2. Captain america

    Apr 1st, 2013

    …..for a minute there I thought he’d come to his senses!!

    …no cure for autism yet…pity, that!

    still doesn’t realize the light at the end of the tunnel could have been
    the Cousins leading him out of the darkness of Satirical Failure…

    I think the mad cow disease was caused by his close adherence to the idiocy of the EU and ‘uman rights and the imposing of Sharia Law
    on the Spoof and the Bolivian 5th Column worming their way in and
    tearing the guys out of the site….

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