by E. Williams on 27/08/15 at 5:54 pm
MOSUL – The popular Middle Eastern dating site, Ashley Martyrdom, has been hacked and the identities of thousands of ISIS subscribers have been revealed. The outing of many militant fighters has caused much infighting within the ranks of the terror group and sparked a fierce debate over what kind of punishments should be handed out to subscribers.
The popular dating site allows clients to pay for a subscription, typically the cost is two chickens or one handgun, and then arrange to discreetly meet a variety of farm animals for an affair. Many ISIS fighters know they will soon be achieving martyrdom and would like to enjoy the chance to curl up with a furry friend before they depart this world. Other fighters just choose to use the service because they want to spice up their love lives by taking a break from raping their child brides or sleeping with their friend’s wives.
Recently, however, the website was hacked and subscribers of the site had their names turned over to the terror group’s leaders. The anger among the group’s top brass is palpable throughout the region. There have been reports from the field that some embarrassed fighters have committed suicide by stoning themselves, while others have flung themselves off tall buildings to save from being ostracized by their fellow soldiers.
Abdul-Ghani Rahim, a 22 year-old terrorist from Syria, was exposed for using the service to set up an elicit affair with Iqbal, a 5 year-old camel, and decided to behead himself – no small feat – rather than face humiliation from his elders. Abdul’s best friend, who prefers the warm embrace of a sexy goat he met through the site, blew up both himself and the goat. In a letter left for his family, he said he couldn’t imagine the afterlife without his “sexy beast.” This is truly a tragic story.