by captain america on 19/01/11 at 12:30 pm
The White House-(satireworld.com)
Celebrating his first and only executive success since he was elected, President Obama is sending VP Joe Biden and Trade Envoy Hho Nhu Bill Wen to Afghanistan to help celebrate Harmid Karzai’s ever expanding empire of capitalistic enterprises.
Karzi, who is an enthusiastic supporter of Christmas, especially the gift giving part, has embraced the Christian Tradition ever since he realized that if he kissed enough ass, Christmas would come every day.
Thanks to the billions of dollars air expressed to Afghanistan, all in cash, the beanie wearing leader has become the world’s most successful small business owner, making it onto the unpublished portion of the Forbes 100 list of the World’s Most Corrupt Leaders.
Biden will be on hand to congratulate Karzai, and just some of his 6 brothers and sisters, as they open their 250th Helmund Restaurant, this one on the border close to Pakistan which has been voted “Most Conveniently Located & Secure Meeting Place” by a recent poll taken by Taliban Leaders and Pakistani Insurgents.
Karzai already is involved in over 127 restaurants in the US, most located in the political strongpoints controlled by the Democratic Administration, and it is said that some of the biggest financial deals involving the international trade in Heroin, weapons, currency exchange and security contracts are done over hot tea and the country’s favorite dish Qabli Pulao, a mixture of lamb, rice, raisins and carrots usually cooked over an open fire fueled by dried camel dung. .
Meanwhile, the Karzai Family Kabul Kabal, manages to hold the country together with the stranglehold on the cement industry, as they own the only plant during the “Rebuilding of Kabal Stimulus Plan” pushed by Obama, control the Kabul Bank, although critics have said Hamid’s Brother, Mahmoud spending his time in Dubai and Washington, DC, has looted it and the vaults are empty.
Another brother, Ahmed, is said to control most of the agricultural interests in the country from his lair in Kandahur, center of the lucrative Poppy Trade, a lovely flower most favoured by patriotic Brits who don’t recognize the EU, and a flower also revered
by both progressive Americans in Hollywood and Obama’s United Voting Base.
In a stirring speech, broadcast to a group of assembled dissolute American Troops who had just been briefed by General Biden about the new US strategy of “Catch & Release” for Taliban Killers spearheaded by the influence of the European Union’s Human Rights Doctrine, Biden proclaimed the recession in Afghanistan all but over!
“Thanks to our economic policies, we have created 200,000 more ‘green jobs’ in Kandahar,
the construction industry is back thanks to Barney Frank making *Ninja mortgages available to middle class Afghans, unemployment claims are down, especially since we began offering security jobs to the Taliban, and car sales are up thanks to our aggressive sales, marketing, rebate and generous trade in allowance. It’s all good now!”
With travel getting somewhat safer in the country under Karzai’s plan to ‘buy off’ the Taliban, reports confirm 10% of US money is used to provide safe passage for the Karzai family and close friends, it hasn’t hurt that Karzai now owns the only Toyota agency in the country. Observers are saying that new SUVs are flying out of the showroom under the Obama inspired plan of turning in bombed out cars from the Russian invasion era, receiving a minimum of $4500 for the scrap, and then another &7500 cash rebate paid for by American Taxpayers for the vehicles, which are marked up 35% on the Karzai VAT
which goes into the family retirement fund.
It has also been reliably reported that Biden will be accompanying an ‘end of year bonus payment” of $100M in cash for Karzai to use in the recently announced deal by BP to relinquish all their Pakistani oil and gas assets. The total price on the deal is $775B. with $100B down, and the remainder paid as assets are retrieved from the bomb cratered
oil and gas fields, and sold to Iran, North Korea, California, Oregon & Washington (state), all oil dependent regions which have made clear they hate America.
BP officials have vehemently denied they were coerced into the deal which is said to be way undervalued by a former Chevron Insider who was left muddering to herself when she was briefed on the deal.
At the same time, in a separate company press release, officials said they had ‘found’ over 132 company workers that had gone missing during a ‘camping and human awareness trip’ somewhere in the mountains close to the
Donald Trump says he has been approached by one of the Karzai’s brother’s with an offer to joint venture a new casino empire in Kabul on a 60/40 tax free, all cash split. While Trump has been mulling the offer, Hamid has said to have sweetened the pot with 2 camels, a goat herd, 6 temporary female companions during his visit, and a life time supply of funky hats from his private haberdasher to keep his hair in place while he’s getting smoke blown up his arse.
*NINJA MORTGAGES: A democratic strategy pushed by Sen. Chris Dodd & Rep. Barney Frank to promote housing ownership in the US. The enforced policy mandated No Income, No Job Applicants be granted mortgages on houses with over inflated prices to people who either couldn’t afford them, or had no intention to pay the money back. The Democratic Congress, in the majority at the time, rebuffed the Bush administration 17 times as they tried to curtail this practice which ultimately led to the great economic bank meltdown, and to this day is denied by Frank and the Democrats and is still blamed on Bush.