by Jalapenoman on 19/01/11 at 4:06 pm
Dolores, Mistress of the Ethereal admitted from her Palm Reading, Tanning Salon, and Bikini Wax studio in Beauford, Kentucky that she had been in contact with the spirit of the late Saddam Hussein. Dolores Shumway said that she had called up his spirit to learn the truth about his virgins for a couple of local boys, Cletus and Enos Goshdarnit. The twins had been wondering if they should convert to Islam because “there didn’t seem to be any pussy in Christian heaven.”
Dolores said that Saddam told her the truth and that it was somewhat disturbing. She said that the former Iraqi leader said that 68 of his virgins were either Star Trek or Gaming geeks that couldn’t get laid on a bet. Most were nearsighted, bucktoothed, pimple-faced, socially inept nerds that had never even come close to first base with anyone (male or female). Hussein also admitted that these virgins were equally split between male and female.
The Ghost also told her that one of his other virgins was the 800 pound fat lady from the freak show, and she was probably still a virgin because no one had ever been “able to find it.”
Saddam’s last virgin was the twin sister of Lorena Bobbitt (who passed away at birth). Hussein admitted that “there ain’t no way I’m hitting that because women do have access to knives and scissors in Moslem heaven.”