NASCAR Forced to Accept Gay Driver and Chevy Volt As Congress Approves Funding for US Army Race Cars!
by captain america on 19/02/11 at 6:07 amWashington,DC-(satireworld.com)
Good news and bad news today as Congress voted to keep military funding in place to sponsor US Army ads on NASCAR Sprint Cup driver Ryan Newman’s car. The Bad News? Nancy Pelosi amendment requires NASCAR to find a gay driver for a Government Motor’s racing version of the Chevy Volt!
Military recruitment is up, and many subscribe to the theory that US army ads featured on Newman’s NASCAR entry, and similar ads on Dragsters has encouraged young men to sign up for service at all time record levels.
The government has been kicking in up to $7M a year to sponsor Newman, plus several million more for their association with NASCAR, said to be America’s most watched sport.
Stock car racing, long associated with Rednecks, Moonshine Runners, and lack of respect for Government Revenuers, has long since gone main stream, all of which is now in jeopardy according to NASCAR officials, and some Oval Track Icons, after Nancy Pelosi’s amendment was also backed by Senator Barney Frank, (D, gay, MA).
Seemingly on board with the action is President Barry Obama, who today authorized $525M to General Electric’s CEO Jeffery Immelt, recently appointed to his economic advisory board, to develop a 2,672 HP version of GM’s Chevy Volt running on steroids thanks to multiple supercharges affixed to it’s Chinese Batteries in addition to the solar powered assist from Al Gore’s “Go BIG Green Weenie ” solar powered Dildo Company.
At the present time, according to Obama, a nation wide search is underway for a Gay Driver to pilot the car, and Senator Frank, no stranger to such searches, has already placed an ad on Craigs List, as well as on the Personal Pages of the San Francisco Chronicle, Rolling Stone, High Times, and the Huffington /AOL Post in addition to checking through his little black date book looking for drivers with the fastest 0-69 times.
Said Junior Johnson, former moonshine runner and NASCAR champ, “WTF…are you S****g Me?” when told of the latest government funding program.
His sentiments were mirrored in much the same strain by Richard Petty, Bobby Allison, and A.J. Foyt, all hard charging nasty BASTARDS while they were on the track doing 180 MPH plus.
Benny Parsons, chewing on a tooth pick, said, after removing the toothpick from his mouth and spitting out his chaw, ” Well now….maybe there’s a place for Jeff Gordon afterall, …he can finally come out of that there closet he’s been in all these years!”
According to her publicist, Danica Patrick, NASCAR’s lone female driver, and very HOT, said she told the White House when approached to drive the Volt, ” Back off, Bubba….go find another PUSSY , I’m not your MOMMA!”