by Steely Beast on 07/03/11 at 12:50 pm
Uhl, Texas (SatireWorld.com)
The Uhl police department was at a loss to control the unexpected crowds that showed up for the WKXY- 103 sponsored protest at the Ali Baba mosque located on East Palomino Highway in Uhl. Requests for backup officers from nearby Quincy were turned down when Chief Barry Larton claimed his men were too busy with traffic duty due to the bus traffic headed toward Uhl.
Organized by radio host Melvin Lipshitz, a popular local talk show host who has over 2.5 million national listeners, the WKXY event was planned in response to several anti-Christian events that happened to spark national outrage. First, was the recent theft of a forty foot cross from a war memorial in the desert by radical elements of a fundamentalist Arabic sect located in Enid, Oklahoma. Second, was the long simmering ACLU involvement with the City of Uhl vs Ali Baba case where the local mosque retaliated against the government sanctioned Christmas Manger scene located at City Hall. In protest the mosque erected its own manger scene on their front lawn, except the only props used were a full sized camel with what appeared to be a baby Jesus coming out of the camel’s rectum. Local outrage prompted the court case which the City of Uhl lost, but the anger has persisted.
The last outrage was the building of the Ali Baba mosque in a predominantly all Christian community. The location of the mosque is in the outlaying city limits of Uhl. Citizens were uncomfortable having burka-clad women show up on Saturday morning, as well as the noise from the mosque’s rifle and pistol range.
Some citizens had other grievances like longtime resident Ike Clancy. “What really pissed me off was those damn loudspeakers that blared that darn cat music located up on that gosh darn tower thing! ”
Clancy was referring to the automated ‘call to prayer’ that resonated several times a day from the mosque’s prayer tower. The call irritated those within a half mile since the tinny sounding speakers distorted the music. Several residents claimed their cats have died soon after the speakers stared broadcasting in 2004.
Police Chief Harold Brown defended his force when angry resident flooded his 911 line with complaints. “Look, I had all six of my regular officers, plus my two reserve officers out there directing traffic and trying to keep the peace! Other towns are swamped with traffic and can’t give us a hand.”
The crowds estimated at over 95,000 were being bused in from all over the Southwest. Hundreds of charted buses lined up at Mel’s dairy and discharged banner and placard bearing activists who came form all over to participate in what WKXY called…The Great Pee Protest
Organized by talk show host Lipshitz, the event was organized months in advance but was to be kept under wraps until early this week when it was announced to listeners. The Great Pee Protest was a chance for frustrated followers to vent their anger by actually pissing all over the Ali-Baba mosque.
To serve the thousands who would show up, plus to keep off the mosque’s property, contractors built a 25 foot long stainless trough that connected to a 2,000 gallon holding tank that in itself was connected to a used fire truck pumper with a working elevated hose tower. The patriotic themed fire truck was painted red-white and blue with pictures of Lipshitz reading a copy of the Constitution on the hood. The event is to be held on adjacent private property donated for the event.
Local Uhl police stood by helplessly as each bus quickly discharged their passenger loads and departed to the Ames Ranch holding area. Anxious passengers quickly took their place in line, waving banners and hoisting home made protest signs, each waiting for their chance to unload their bladders into the long trough a few feet ahead.
A donation by Duff’s Beer Company allowed all bladders to quickly fill, as free cases were passed out on each bus as it approached the ‘hour away’ time limit set up by the WKXY advance team. Those too shy to piss in public, or those of the fairer sex who wanted to participate, but not put on a show, were advised to bring empty Skippy peanut butter glasses and fill them in private. Other saw a chance to grandstand a little by bringing gallon jars filled with horse piss. Elmer Babcck, age 78, owner of Three Aces Ranch told his story.
“ I got me a little prostate problem so’s me pissing real good ain’t gonna happen. But Ranger my horse pisses pretty good, so I just held a old pickle jar and lets him go to town! I reckon those Islamic fellers won’t know the difference anyway.”
The minaret came alive precisely at the stroke of noon as the adnan was blared to the winds. A groan of disgust resonated from the crowds but was soon turned to a cheer.
As gallons of piss slide down the trough, the crowd waited with baited breath. Soon, the level indicator slowly started to move. In less than an hour it reached the top at 2,000 gallons. Cheers went up as the fire engine’s motor roared to life. The first target was the minaret tower and the hated loudspeakers. A hefty blast knocked the speakers off the stucco and wire minaret. Soon the white stucco turned a rancid yellow color with chunks of stucco loosening from the wire base.
In defense, the Imam opened the main door to the mosque and stood outside in defiance, using a portable loudspeaker to continue the call to prayer. In a few moments he was knocked to the ground by a mighty blast, his black turban rolled along the sidewalk….the long white robe he wore instantly turned to a vivid yellow color.
As more protestors arrived and refilled the tank dozens of times, the steady blast of the fire hose filled the mosques basement until it overflowed the windows and ran out to the ground. At 3PM everyone was done, and the blow by blow event was broadcast live on WKXY. Buses quickly re-filled and headed back to cities and towns all around the southwest.
The Uhl police put on rubber boots and took an official police report from Imam Shabat Al Sheit.