by captain america on 31/03/11 at 7:08 amSatire News Pool Reporter Harold Worth was yet in the center of another controversy after the Limey Expatriate was assigned to cover the cast party for the TV Reality show “Jersey Shore” as they kicked off their new season of bad taste, big boobs and big hair in a gay way.
Worth, trying to come to grips with his sudden appearance in the Colonies after being banned in the UK for
heterosexual remarks whilst employed in a homosexual workplace environment, was the only reporter available to cover the event since the other existing reporter usually assigned to the White House Related Reality Shows, was still locked in a closet since VP Joe Biden had forgotten to let him out after a recent fund raiser.
Taking a Chinese Express Bus from China Town in NYC to downtown Asbury Park, Worth said he was eager to take in the scene, meet the cast, including top heavy drunken ‘wag’ Snooki ever since he saw pictures of her in the London Tabloid ‘The Sun’ passed out under the boardwalk with her knickers down around her ankles.
Worth also expressed more than a mild interest in visiting the hometown of one of his music idols, Bruce “the Boss’ Springsteen and hoped to meet him if he was still around boffing his married physical trainer at the local
We picked up the ashen faced Worth as he stepped off the bus during a brief piss stop in Asbury Park as it rushed to continue it’s journey to Atlantic City and a pending Mar Jong contest worth hundreds of dollars.
“Well,” stuttered Worth, “that was quite the ride Mate! Mad bugger driver was eating a bowl of rice with his chopsticks, texting on his phone, and calling out the bingo numbers for the on board game all at the same time…and the silly Bastard was driving on the right side of the Fooking road!”
“I didn’t even get to chat up anybody on the bus…they all were either from Hong Kong or Macao, and the woman sitting next to me had her hands full trying to control the chickens she had bound to a stick with twine that kept shitting all over the place….a right terrible experience…reminded me of going off on holiday to Pakistan in ’75 for the cricket match!”
By the time Worth made it to the cast party, held in an Oceanfront Mansion in Deal, just up the road from Asbury Park the festivities were in full swing. There were at least 4 girls passed out on the deck, a group of boys on steroids wearing cut down Speedos playing Volley Ball at the edge of the surf, and loud music blaring from within the 32 room mansion owned by a Lebanese rug merchant, but rented out for the occasion.
Harold tells what happened next:
“It was quite a bash, let me tell you mate, by the looks of things it looked like the party has started about two days ago with pizza boxes, champagne bottles, and lots of french fries littering the tiled floors and ground into the oriental carpets.
“I finally wandered into the media room where most of the ‘stars’ seemed to be gathered around a huge flat screen TV, even bigger than the one I got at home that fell off a truck in Yorkshire and I got for a good price from some punter with blue shoes. Seems like they were watching reruns from last year’s show and getting all hysterical watching each other getting drunk, getting punched int he face and puking outside some bar in Avalon.
“There was a lot of strange smoke in the air, and I noticed everybody was munching on snacks featuring candy bars, Frito Lays, and Reese’s Peanut Butter cups. There was a huge sidebar in the corner of the room and that was where I first saw Snooki….I recognized her as she was the shortest person in the room and was kind of hunched backed from carrying all that forward weight around…if you get me drift!
“Well, I sidled up to her, trying to get a peek down her blouse, hoping she’d fall down again so I could check out her plumbing, but she was real busy snorting something up her nose with a rolled up $100 dollar bill.
After she had done a few lines, wiped her nose on her arm and hiked up her shorts, she turned to me and asked, “Fancy some Crumpet Stranger?”
“Not wishing to appear rude, and anxious to get an inside scoop for Satire World, and a possible raise, I decided to try some of what she had just done…what ever it was. Outside of seeing Kerry Katona huffing snow in London when she fell down drunk on the sidewalk, I had never put anything up me nose…well, almost nothing….there was the time when I stuck me nose in where it didn’t belong and….ahemmm, bugger that, back to Snooki!
“I picked up a used straw, wiped it on me trousers, picked off a stubborn booger and set meself to the task just like I seen Al Pacino do it. ”
“Well mate, that was a trip I tell you, jist as I was about to do a short sniff I felt a fat little hand with magic fingers reach around an grab me ball sack causing me to inhale a bit too much! My knees buckled, my eyes crossed, and I got dizzy and my nose itched something fierce so naturally I did what I always do when someone I don’t know grabs me family jewels…..I sneezed….all over Snooki’s assets…a right good ‘un too!
‘ We wuz both gobsmacked, if you get me drift….It was a right snoot full too!
“Right after me little accident some guy with a deformed stomach and rib cage grabbed me around the neck and frog marched me to the door and threw me out on me arse! What a day, but at least I got a Scoop, maybe Bargis will keep me on for another week or two, he said something about wanting me to go to Florida and interview an ex-Democratic Congressman named Alan Grayson…said there’d be a good story and a bonus innit for me if I could just ‘keep me nose clean.”
And THAT’S the REST OF THE STORY!