by Jalapenoman on 09/04/11 at 3:31 pm
Cletus Goshdarnit, the first candidate to announce a bid for the Democratic Party Presidential Nomination in 2012, offered the following statements to the press. Goshdarnit, who was speaking from a fund raising dinner at the Dairy Queen on Highway 70 in Clovis, New Mexico, weighed in on several topics for local supporters and reporters:
On the Japanese Tragedy:
Well, that was just a horrible thing what happened to them folks. I wouldn’t wish that on nobody or their mother in law. First, you get shook up by an earthquake, and then you go and wake up and find out that you’ve got a Tsunami. I don’t know why anyone would want to get their lawyer to file a Tsunami (and I don’t rightly know what a Nami is, but it must be some legal thing in those Jap courts) right after you get rocked by an earthquake. You just don’t do that to folks!
Then, their new-q-lar power plants get to leaking radiation all over them. Now, we’re gonna have to make sure that no one pisses of them Oriental folks, or otherwise, they’re gonna go all turnin’ green and we’re gonna have a country full of Hulks. I’m glad they’re our ally, but we outta go make sure Kim Jong Ill of North Korea poops in their Post Toasties or somethin’ if we wanna fix that problem.
On the War in Libya
So now we’re fighting over in Libya, but we ain’t really fightin’? We’re only supposed to be there for a few days, but it’s already goin’ on a month? France don’t want to help us in Iraq or Alpogannistan, but they want us to help them in Libya? We wanna get that feller Mohammed Quiddich outta office, but we can’t find him? Hell, we been searching for Osama Bin Alladin for over ten years and for all we know, he could be the caveman in them Gecko commercials.
On Donald Trump Running For President:Ain’t he the feller with the plastic hair what’s always firin’ everbody? Maybe we outta let him go in now and fire all them folks what told Obama the stimulus plan was a good idear!
On Hillary Clinton Running For President:I might have to run against Billary? I remember when folks used to hate her. Then, after Bill dipped his wick in that Lewinsky girl, everyone feels sorry for her. I’d run on her ticket if I don’t get the nomination myself, but I can see that we’re gonna have a fierce battle over all the real issues.
The Real Issues:
I think the price of natural gas is soaring through the roof. They’re also talkin’ a lot about alternative energy sources. I can lick both these with one idear: If they’d drop the price of eggs and beans, folks could produce enough natural gas to heat their homes in the winter just by fart lighting!