White House Laundress Admits “First Fart” Was A Wet One

by on 30/05/11 at 8:45 am

On her way to work Jolene Johnson stops and tells Walter Bucket about those messy presidential underpants.

White House Dirty Laundry Room (SatireWorld.com)

A White House staffer in the laundry admitted to investigarors looking into the Presidential “First Fart” that Obama’s flatulence episode was “a juicy one.” On Thursday night, at a campaign fund-raising speech in Dover, Delaware, Barack Obama read a command on his teleprompter “fart now,” and then did so. The embarrassment and knowledge that a hacker could get into the teleprompter and alter a speech has caused a crisis in the Executive Branch. The President has called for a White House Task Force to investigate and has also requested a combined Congressional Oversight Committee to look into this breach of national security.

Jolene Johnson, a White House staffer in the laundry for over 30 years, has washed the clothing and bedding of several different first families, from the Carters to the Obamas. She said that this is the first time she’s seen anything resembling racing stripes in the tighty whiteys or boxers of the President of the United States. A set of Platex gloves were worn, however, and then discarded for the handling and washing.

“The President may choose to throws these away, but I is gonna wash ’em anyways cuz it’s my job. I didn’t think this one was the type to shitstain hisself, but I washed plenty o’ diapers in my time before they had Pampers,” said Jolene.

“I can tell you what the media say about this President ain’t true. His shit do stink just as bad as everybody else.”

Jolene said that she has rarely seen any members of the Obama family. “Michelle came down once and asked me where you put the quarters in the machine. She also thought that she was supposed to wash the clothes herself, but was happy when she learned that was my job.”

“Dan Quayle used to come down here and watch them front loading washing machines spin around. He once asked me if they got cartoons or Wide World of Sports.”

The underwear has been sent to the FBI Headquarters for analysis to see if any evidence of the teleprompter tampering exists on them. FBI Special Agent Temperance Booth said that “we wish they hadn’t been washed first, but that sometimes happens when someone craps their pants. We do know now that the White House uses New Fresh Scent Tide With Bleach, but that isn’t important to the investigation.”

“If there is something within the fibers or the elastic waistband that can point us towards catching this culprit, the FBI crime lab will find it. We’re even better than those guys on CSI.”

Due to reasons of national security, this reporter was unable to learn whether Ms. Johnson was washing boxers, briefs, or a man thong.

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