Karzai Vows to Raise Afghan Debt Ceiling, Tax Tanning Booths, Gun Sales, after Assassination Of Brother Cuts off Heroin Cash Flow!
by captain america on 12/07/11 at 8:36 pmKabul, Afghanistan – (SatireWorld.com)
The assassination of President Hamid Karzai’s brother, Ahmed Wali, has thrown the Afghan nation into an economic crisis with Karzai now saying unless he can raise the debt ceiling and borrow more money while raising the income tax from 0 to 87% he will be unable to pay monthly checks to Kandahar’s poppy growers!
The price of heroin on the streets of Chicago, Washington, DC, NYC, Detroit, Oakland and Philadelphia immediately spiked with prices rising as much as 45% causing additional concern in the US for the DEA and the FDA that scalpers would be reaping ‘unconscionable profits from a disaster rivaling BP and the Exxon Valdez” according to a Presidential Advisor ‘extremely’ close to Obama and later identified as Valerie Jarrett.
In addition to the Billions sent to Kabul each month in untraceable cash by the Obama Administration, Karzai increasingly depended on the lucrative poppy trade making Afghanistan one of the most powerful and profitable pharmaceutical companies in the world which not only subsidized his American Restaurant Chain, but funded ‘cash for clunkers’
lucrative trade in allowances at the family owned and the country’s only Toyota franchise.
The assassination of Ahmed, a powerful force in the poppy/heroin producing region of Kandahar comes at an unfortunate time, with Hamid recently meeting with Nicholas Sarkozy, to renegotiate ‘favorable trade status’ for the French Connection drug trade.
Ahmed was reportedly gunned down inside his heavily fortified hide a way by his trusted head of security, who had been close to Hamid’s younger brother for over 10 years, allegedly over a heated dispute over his 401k plan, and the fact that Ahmed had put
all his faith in Government Motors,(GM) investing over $32B in the GM IPO which has recently tanked. China is said to ‘not to be happy’ either.
The untimely death also throws into doubt the pending deal with Obama concerning the exclusive franchise rights on the Chevy Volt, the $41,000 POS that has averaged 200 cars a month sales in the US whilst reportedly causing garage fires during recharging cycles,
and hypothermia deaths to owners while caught in traffic during winter snow storms.
Rumoured reports of a family of 7 recently found dead of dehydration, heat exhaustion with a post mortem body temperature of 107 while waiting in a 17 mile back up to cross the Bourne Bridge in Massachusetts while trying to get to their vacation house on Cape Cod is now being blamed on battery depletion causing the air conditioning to fail in the 93 degree heat!
In addition to the 35% off the top Hamid takes from US aid, another 20% goes to the Taliban to continue setting off a few rockets, blowing up a few mud huts, and occasionally engaging in routine fire fights to insure that the west continues to send money to combat
“Terrorists” which somehow continue to exist in a country resembling a throw back to the
Afghan Council of Ministers and the National Assembly, in a rare show of disapproval, have vowed to not allow Hamid to raise the Debt Ceiling unless they get certain concessions which may lead to a Constitutional Crisis for the fledgling ‘democracy.”
Elected leaders of the Assembly are now demanding free health care and a government investigation into increased death by ‘lead poisoning’ not related to Asbestos.
They are also taking exception to the untaxed income from the Karzai owned national cement industry, construction company, and the reported looting of the Kabul National Bank with foreign aid being deposited, and swiftly wire transferred to Dubai.
A Taliban spokesman also said the government is wasting money on education for females,
and demands an end to ‘affirmative action’ a program recently instituted by Karzai allowing females to work in houses of prostitution along side male sex workers.
Citing his concern for the impending political crisis in the country, President Obama today announced that he would be sending Vice President Joe Biden on a 14 month fact finding
mission to the troubled country, saying, “Joe will sort it all out…!”
Presidential Spokesman Jay Blarney (sic) denied reports that Obama was considering replacing Biden on the 2012 ticket with Debbie Wasserman Schultz, current Congressperson from Florida, and Democratic National Committee Chair to placate
Jewish voters upset over Obama’s alienation of Israel.