by captain america on 31/07/11 at 12:37 pmDetroit, MI – (SatireWorld.com)
In a two part announcement sure to impact on the American economy, President Barry Obama first shocked the US automotive world with his new edict demanding all auto manufactures produce fleet economies of 54.1 MPH by 2025, up from the current 27.5 MPG.
He added a real bombshell, however, saying that he was splitting up Government Motors, (GM), still in debt to the American Taxpayer, and now to the Chinese Central Bank after the recent IPO, into two companies.
The second company will be known as , RBM Motors (Rubber Band Motors), which he claimed will revolutionize the industry and help replace sagging sales in GM’s Hybrid LIne headed by the Woefully, and sometimes dangerous to drive, overpriced Chevy Volt.
The President said he has asked Vice President Joe Biden to be the general overseer of the project and the ‘go to media guy’ to hype sales, while tapping General Electric CEO Jeff Immhelt, who also heads his Economic Job Council, to bring the new line of cars on line.
Immhelt says the cars will be powered with first generation rubber band turbine technology developed, patented and wholly owned by the Chinese Government, in conjunction with GE as an approved tax exempt end user.
Without getting too technical, Immhelt, who used a series of simplistic scientific charts, showed how an intricately woven number of #64 Rubber bands, 3.5 ” long, 1/4″ wide, and 1/32′ thick, were combined with a series of #117 Rubber Bands, 7″ long, 1/16″ wide, and 1/32 thick to form the power core.
The ‘thrusters’, as Immhelt called the bands, are melded through the use of ‘secret’
thermodynamics and can produce a forward trust capable of moving a 300 lb car from 0-15mph in less than 20 seconds, and can eventually reach speeds of 37.5 miles an hour on level ground when ‘wound up real tight’ with the kevlar hand crank.
In another thermodynamic breakthrough, Immhelt says that when rubber bands are stretched to their capacity (wound up), they emit heat, solving the winter heating and defrosting problem which took more than a few lives last winter when Chevy Volt batteries ran down during midwestern blizzards stranding motorists.
“During the hot summer months, ” Immhelt droned, “thermodynamics will keep the car cool. As the bands begin to unwind, developing thrust and moving the vehicle, they absorb heat from their surroundings, thereby cooling the driver.
Also on hand for the announcement was Obama’s Trade Minister to Viet Nam, Jane Fonda, who gleefully held in her hand a signed contract with the Michelin Rubber Plantation in Binh Dong Province to supply all the rare rubber for the bands while yelling, “Finally, reparations for the Freedom Fighters in our time!!”
During the war the plantation was not only a source of income for the Viet Cong, but served as a staging area for military incursions, immune from attack thanks to an agreement reached between the French and the Johnson administration.
Due to her close relationship with the Viet Cong formed during the war after numerous visits to Hanoi to keep up communist morale selling ‘Cong Bonds,’ Fonda was said by Obama to be ‘uniquely qualified to undertake this vital mission…she’s the type of gal I’d like to jump in a fox hole with anytime…and she’s got a cute smile just like Debbie! “(Wasserman Schultz, DNC Chair Shrew).
Immhelt said, that in keeping with continuing efforts to move American jobs ‘off shore in order to be competitive,” some of the dismantled Chrysler plants decaying in Detroit, and the GM Saturn plant shut down by Obama because the non union workers were putting out a better and cheaper car than GM, would be moved to some of the outlying districts
of rural China where “folks are willing to work for just about nothing and don’t drink or get high on the job.”
According to a spokesman for VP Biden, the first model off the line from RBM will be a one passenger commuter car, available in lime green only, with the pre production model name of “Ging Wa.” *
Biden said plans for a ‘super commuter’ named the” Dim Sum”, in honor of Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner is next.
Said to be capable of holding the driver, his Ipad, briefcase, a change of underwear and reaching speeds in excess of 49 MPH qualifying it to run in the high speed commuter lanes to be designed by the US Department of Transportation, it is in the final stages of development.
Nancy Pelosi, when she heard the news really got ‘wound up !’ “See, I told you! They laughed at me, but I told everybody, we democrats are here to save the world as we know it…and just in time too!”
* Chinese for “TOAD”