Local Woman Edna Spotz Sees Red After Being Told She’s Not ‘Green’ Enough

by on 13/08/11 at 11:08 am

Edna Spotz, age 77, had a hard time deciding whether to tip the young checkout clerk or to just kick him in the balls. A finger salute sufficed and made Edna's day even more so than the 'two for one' sale at the produce section.

Greenville, SC – (SatireWorld.com)

In the line at the local grocery store, the bagging clerk told local woman Edna Spotz that she should bring her own grocery bags from now on, because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment.
The woman apologized to him and explained, “We didn’t have the ‘greenie thing’ back in my day.”
The clerk, 20 year old Harris Kelvin responded, “See, that’s our problem today. Your old fart generation didn’t care enough to save our environment. Now look at the mess we’re in!”

Edna looked at him with fire in her eyes as she straigtened her 77 year old frame…”You’re right youngman, our generation didn’t have the ‘green thing’ in its day. We also didn’t have idiots like Al Gore either!”

“You see,back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.”

“But Mr. Samartie Pants, we didn’t have that greenie thing back in our day. We walked up stairs, because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower car or truck every time we had to go two blocks.

Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throw-away kind that clog land fills. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts — wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing from a printed catalogue. But, again, you’re right…We didn’t have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us.
When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one, maybe two, electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.”

The clerk stood stunned, not knowing what to say since all the information Edna told was in his new ‘how-to-be-green manuals’ written by the Sierra Club. Harris thought the conservation efforts were a product of the younger generation. He looked sheepishly at Edna as she paid the cashier.

“Now you dumb ass, let’s see how green you can be and help push my cart out to the car and load my groceries! You might lose some of that spare tire you’re carrying around too!”

Editor’s Note: But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful old folks were just because we didn’t have that greenie thing back then?

One Response to “Local Woman Edna Spotz Sees Red After Being Told She’s Not ‘Green’ Enough”

  1. Lady Godiva

    Aug 13th, 2011

    Try to tell my grown daughters about ‘the good old days’ and they think I’m making it all up.

    Excellent piece! Enjoyed it immensely…

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