by captain america on 07/10/11 at 2:04 pmLima, Peru – (SatireWorld.com)
Sociopath Johan Van der Sloot, suspected of killing one college student in Aruba, and caught red handed in Peru after strangling another, is said to be ‘encouraged’ that he could be home in time for Christmas after the European Union has come to his aid.
According to a statement from a Human Rights official from Brussels, Joran has fathered a child during conjugal visits authorized by Peruvian authorities after a suitable ‘fee’ was negotiated, and he is reportedly the sole support for his pet Gerbil.
Interest by the EU in his case came to light after a UK court was advised that an undesirable illegal alien in Britain could not be deported because his ‘Human Rights’ would be violated if he was torn from the arms of his gay lover, and because he had adopted a cat that depended on him for nurturing.
Despite ordinarily rough conditions in Peruvian jails, it has been reported that Joran is living quite well, thank you very much, due to the outpouring of support from thousands of delusional young women from around the world who want to have his baby.
According to a prison insider, Joran receives at least $1500 a month from cash donations even after the prison officials take their cut, estimated to be at least 65%.
The cash has enabled him to have a private 2 room suite, a maid, a chef, and to enjoy tasty treats purchased from outside sources by prison officials.
Prison officials deny however, he is able to spent 4 days a week outside of confinement to pursue his part time job as a sex surrogate to visiting Brits, “it’s only 3 days out of the week,” said an envious inmate down the hall.
Joran was recently seen in the prison gym working out on the weights whilst attired in the latest Under Armour and Nike Sporting fashions, being attended to by a luscious looking female personal trainer and life style coach imported from Denmark.
Said the Human Rights advocate, “Joran is very close to his pet Gerbil, named Barney, and
it’s clear they have an adoring relationship. Whilst Joran might have made mistakes in the past, it really is unfair to keep the Gerbil incarcerated, this isn’t a zoo you know!”
The mother of Joran’s child is said to be making plans to emigrate soon with Joran and their love child, and it is expected that as soon as they get their EU papers they will be off to London, a 4 bedroom council flat, and handsome job seeker’s allowances.
No word yet from Britain if Joran will be able to keep his advance from Piers Morgan for and exclusive interview, said to be at least 6 figures, and an appearance with Amanda Knox on the reality dating show “The Bachelor” followed by the Halloween special “Room Mates from Hell!”
Rebekuh Brooks is covering the story from inside the prison where she described conditions
as ‘pretty hairy!’