by captain america on 17/10/11 at 3:44 pmGold Tooth, SC – (SatireWorld.com)
Nothing like the recent reports from South Carolina of new found gold to rekindle images of the wild west gold rush days to bring hordes of starving Canadians over the border to pursue their fortunes despite the harsh conditions!
Canadians from as far away as Vancouver and Port Dover are said to be on the trail to Kershaw, SC, a stones throw away from the NC border, after a Canadian company bought up mining rights and announced they had discovered the Mother Load (sic), (no not the Queen), in over $5Billion (!) in the unmined precious metal.
Kershaw, a small town called home to 1645 individuals, all of whom now think they won the lottery and have the same last name, comprises just 1.9 acres and living accommodations of just 771 residential structures.
Canadians are said to be flooding the US border crossings, coming by pack train, motorcycles, old school buses, hot air balloons, and even some by horseback!
Due to the rigorous passage, the crossings have been slowed as US officials are demanding that the pioneers be properly supplied in order to not only survive the journey, but have enough staples to survive once they reach Kershaw, and until civilization can catch up to them with hastily constructed shanty town villages, Motel 6′s, and a low rise Trump Tower, complete with casino and assayer’s office.
According to a spokesman for the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS), immigrants must have one case of “Deep Woods Off” containing at least 55% Deet to ward off mosquitos and no-see-ems, a snake venom kit including 3 feet of surgical tubing to suck the poison out of bites, a supply of Imodium to stop the unintentional discharge of human waste caused by a change in diet where all food is served ‘deep fried,’ and one tagged self addressed body bag in case things don’t go quite right.
Along with the gold seekers, also come the entrepreneurs.
One General Practitioner who dabbles in Proctology, and lost his license in Canada, expects to set up a clinic in Kershaw promising to tell nothing but great fishing stories,
and says he hopes he’ll be “up to his elbows trying to keep up with the demand from people who just can’t be arsed but are up all night on the internet taking the piss due to a weak prostate and recurring kidney stones.
With no local entertainment within 200 miles, one enterprising lady said she’ll be opening the town’s first 8 screen cinema, bordello, burlesque review and dinner theater for fellow Canadians ‘who would just die if they had to live in a place with no cultural enrichment!”
The South Carolina economy which relies on Sweet Potatoes, Collards, tourists, retirees and the pork barrel contributions of Democratic congressman Jim Clybourn for it’s income, is tentative about welcoming the newcomers.
Said former miner Seth “Big Boy” Smithfield, now retired and working as a part time mule skinner, farrier and pizza delivery boy, “we’ve seen this all before…once gold goes back down to $300 an ounce there won’t me no money innit. Then we’ll be stuck with all these foreigners with weird diets that don’t speak English, EH? See…I’m doin’ it already, Bastards!”
Rumour has it that Clybourn is now preparing to add another earmark for South Carolina, requesting $500B in infrastructure funds to build a high speed train line from Montreal to Kershaw to speed up the immigration process.
Said Seth when hearing of this latest Democrat boondoggle, “Well, shit, as if those Canucks weren’t enough, now we’re goin’ be pestered and robbed blind by dem stinkin’ frogs….won’t be able to find none of dem snails to clean my rare tropical fish tank…ain’t that always the way with foreigners…somebody’s shit eatin’ maggot is always somebody else’s meal cooked in melted butter and garlic. Go Figure, EH! There, I done said it agin…Bastards!”
Kershaw Mayor Dudley “Banjo Boy” Smithfield was a bit more optimistic and upbeat.
“I dunno, ” he said dully, “mite not be all bad at that. We could use a little new blood in town, people are startin’ to look all alike to me, and that’s not a good thing, That, innit, Eh?”