Grand Theft Auto: GM Plans to Fund Comedy Movie; The Laughs on US!
by captain america on 20/10/11 at 9:40 am
In the first 15 minutes of the government sponsored movie 'CannonBall Run,' Debbie Wasserman-Schultz has her first on-screen romance with a pitbull named Floyd.
ObamaMotors, formerly known as General Motors and later as Government Motors, has stepped forward to not only supply the cars, but to bankroll the making of another Follywood movie, as if wasting Millions on a private remote golf course for union officials wasn’t enough!
Following the recent settlement with the United Autoworkers, who still control a meaningful part of ownership after the government bailout which included lucrative ‘signing bonuses” to workers, the alleged ‘car company’ has now decided to dabble in Hollywood productions.
The government appointed board of directors is looking into supplying government funded cash they stole from taxpayers, for a remake of the popular 80′s movie ‘Cannonball Run’ which starred Burt Reynolds and a host of fun loving cronies which was a box office hit.
The remake, now being tossed around in Hollywood, would have Charlie Sheen as the out of control race car driver, on a coast to coast run with Lindsay Lohan, as they both escape rehab and engage in a torrid, drug induced love fest featuring high speed chases, multiple car crashes, texting whilst driving, and engaging in unprotected sex without being buckled up.
As an added hype, the company would be showcasing and supplying some of their newest vehicles, with cameos provided by super fast Corvettes and Camaros, but the bulk of the cars featured would be the star crossed Chevy Volts that are languishing on Dealer’s lots, when not being listed as the ‘Defendant’ in multiple law suits involving garage fires, short circuits, and managing to achieve only 30 miles on a full electrical ‘stimulus.’
Al Gore is said to be begging for a cameo role, just to get next to some hot new starlets
who have a penchant for aging fat men, and is said to be eager for a speaking part and said he could do ‘just as good as Dom Deluise’, who played the funny, flatulent fat man in the previous movie.
The GM marketing department sees is as a ‘win-win’ deal for the company, as well as the hollywood producer.
“We’ve got all these Volts that are DOA which we can sell to the movie, which we will be funding. Then, the production company gets the $7500 dollar taxpayer funded rebate, and the climax of the show will be a low speed chase on the freeway, much like the OJ episode, where we somehow manage to have 237 Volts crash thru barriers, roll over on exit ramps, jump open drawbridges, and burn out their brakes when they end up in San Francisco chasing each other up and down hills at 18 MPH! Then there’s the insurance payouts!”
Movie technicians are already working closely with GM Quality Control officials to make sure no embarrassing glitches are recorded during the costly action sequences.
Some short term solutions to reported problems include:
*Super Gluing the rear hatch shut on 2011 Corvettes to preclude awkward openings at high speeds.
*Installing two (2) hydraulic steering power assists on Impalas in the event one fails during high speed cornering.
*Adding lock tite to the steering wheels on Chevy Cruzes to prevent “inadvertent steering wheel separation’ during accident avoidance.
*Welding the front seat buckle assembly together on Equinox models and to replace plastic Chinese retention devices with titanium fasteners to avoid catastrophic failure
during panic stops, or head on collisions. (see power steering, power brakes, defective pads and rotors)
*Installing larger auxiliary batteries in the Volts by removing the cramped, uncomfortable rear seat and packing the compartment with long life Dura Cell Batteries, and installing prominent warning labels to insure the cars are charged properly with a notice to not attempt to fast charge them using micro-wave ovens, or jump start them using your garage housed 220 volt electric hot water heater.
According to the finance department of GM, they expect to receive a return on their multi-million dollar investment of at least 23%, depending on their take on related items including pop corn sales, Obama T-shirts, beer commercials featuring the cars, and insurance payoffs for the wrecked cars which the Administration has forced AIG to cover at a premium to cover personal injury suits incurred by Union stuntmen and women.
All profits, according to Union execs will be put in a profit sharing pot negotiated by the UAW during the last contract negotiations in a deal ‘the company couldn’t refuse.’
Still to be worked out? An arrangement with a California judge to coordinate work release dates for Lohan, who is getting ready to serve up to 1 1/2 years in jail for violating probation agreements.
Seems Lohan was supposed to do community service at a woman’s health clinic, but decided a better use of her time was to work as a cocktail waitress at the Red Rooster Cock ‘n Bull Pub outside of Los Angeles where she created yet another stir by throwing drinks in customer’s faces, bitch slapping the valet parking attendant, and parking her Maserati in a handicapped space.
Joe Biden announced that GM was finally on track to become ‘the world’s car company with a return to profitability which will cut down on the amount of Detroit’s murders and rapes, but not necessarily Grand Theft Auto, which we’re still working on!”
Herman Cain and Captain America drive a Ford Taurus.
Let’s Hear It!