Investigative Journalists Try To Discover Middle Name of Throckmorton P. Turdblossom

by on 31/10/11 at 5:30 am

="Reporter Walter Bucket said there signs of his true middle name all over the place, but no one wanted to leak it.

Storm Cellar, Arkansas – (SatireWorld.com)

Just what, exactly, does the “P.” stand for in Throckmorton P. Turdblossom? The curmudgeon, who writes The Country Boy Advice Column (for the publication), and noted humorist is refusing to reveal his exact middle name. All that the author will say is that it is a family name, it would cause him embarrassment, and that he would have to kill anyone that he told.

A check of his public tax records records records just the initial, followed by a period (meaning that it is short for something). Birth records could be checked, such as the mysterious Obama birth certificate, but Turdblossom has never revealed his exact age or where he was born. His only comment on that was that “if’n they ever recorded a birth certificate for me, it was probably on papyrus or a cave wall.”

This reporter has also checked with the public library, but only his initial is listed on his library card (and driver’s license, and bank records, and credit cards, and Netflix membership). Many of his records, in fact, just list him as T.P. Turdblossom, without listing his first name either. He explained this by saying that “sometimes, Throckmorton is just too damned long a name to type.”

While he refused to reveal the name, he did state that the current credit card commercials using an accented character named “Peggy” was not named for him. He added that “you fellers may need to call out Shaggy and Mystery Inc. if you wanna learn this one. I don’t think Nero Wolfe or Perry Mason or Ellery Queen or Jessica Fletcher could even find this out.”

Satire World columnist Walter Bucket has stopped writing his daily musings, making it his mission in life to discover the hidden name of the reclusive writer. “It’s out there somewhere, or my name isn’t Walter Bucket,” said the investigative reporter. “I will learn his true identity and background and discover whether or not he was truly born a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. He’s also made the claim to riding dinosaurs and mentioned getting stiffed for a tip when he waited tables at the Last Supper.”

Bucket has, in fact, offered a reward of one month’s salary (his paycheck from this publication) for anyone who can verify the middle name of TPT (as he signs his name). Publication Editor Bargis Tryhol has agreed to match that amount from petty cash funds (and the funds are truly pretty petty).

Said Tryhol, “this is one of the true great mysteries remaining that we have not uncovered here at Satire World. We’ve told you what happened to Michael Jackson’s nose, we told you how Lassie bit Timmy after getting fixed, and we’ve answered the riddle about who shot J.F.K. (but we never actually printed that story, as Harold Worth used it to wipe his bottom by mistake). We feel that the true identity of Throckmorton P. Turdblossom may just be the human interest story of the century.”

Persons with any knowledge of what “the P stands for” should comment on this article and cite their sources.



7 Responses to “Investigative Journalists Try To Discover Middle Name of Throckmorton P. Turdblossom”

  1. Bargis

    Oct 31st, 2011

    My guess? Pudknocker

  2. Lady Godiva

    Oct 31st, 2011

    My guess is Peewee Hope I win coz I need the money.

  3. Jalapenoman

    Oct 31st, 2011

    Is he that guy who claims to be a pirate and a cowboy and a Siamese twin and also writes for this site: Percival Pissgums?

    Is he the one who opened the box (Pandora)?

    Purgatory?

    Penny?

    Persimmon?

  4. Throckmorton P. Turdblossom

    Oct 31st, 2011

    Lots of good guesses, but all ya’ll are wrong.

    I might be persuaded to talk to that woman in the Lady Godiva Halloween Costume photo (the blonde with the nice rack) if she played a little game of hide the sausage with me… but that would just be pillow talk.

    Otherwise, no talking from me (and you ain’t never gonna figure it out!).

  5. Lady Godiva

    Oct 31st, 2011

    I will ‘do anything’ for the cause!

  6. Throckmorton P. Turdblossom

    Oct 31st, 2011

    Miss Godiva,

    We all know that the woman in the picture ain’t you, I think it’s one of them Russkie tennis player women that looks good on camera but don’t win a lot. I really think that I could help her game cuz I can teach her a lot about handling balls and luv and such.

  7. Lady Godiva

    Oct 31st, 2011

    That’s true….you couldn’t teach me anything….because…I know it all….. 😉

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