by Jalapenoman on 02/11/11 at 5:12 pmWashington, DC – (SatireWorld.com)
Stating that “free public education” that already included schools, teachers, campuses, classroom training, free and reduced lunches and extracurricular activities was enough, the White House today ordered schools from grades pre-k to 12 to change their restroom facilities to include pay toilets.
A spokesman for the administration said that “paper towels, toilet paper, the high water bills, and janitorial and equipment maintenance and replacement costs have to be paid from somewhere With the current economy, we have to look for new and creative ways to pay for the additional stimulus plans that keep failing”
The federal government has hired “Quarterlock,” an Illinois based company that manufactures vending machine parts, to place coin operated locks on the doors of all bathroom stalls in all public school restrooms across the country. The company will be paid 1.5 billion dollars for the equipment plus additional money for travel expenses and labor. It cannot be confirmed that this company is owned by Oprah Winfrey or that it has already contributed millions to the Obama reelection campaign.
One public school teacher, who remembered pay toilets from airports in the 60′s and 70′s, said “they are not locking down the urinals, so this is somewhat discriminatory towards the girls and the female teachers. Also, they are forgetting that cafeteria food either gives you the runs or stops you up completely.”
“I’ll just have to tell the kids to do what I did back then: crawl under the door.”
One text message that is currently being passed around the country between school aged kids is telling them about a popular bathroom wall saying of the previous decades: “Here I sit, all broken hearted. Paid to shit, but only farted.”
One high school student in Denver asked “if we have to pay for the toilets, does this mean that we’ll get Charmin or Angel Soft, or will they keep giving us the stuff that feels like sandpaper when you wipe, and then disintigrates in your hands?”
The administration was asked if children on free or reduced lunches would also receive free or reduced bathroom rates. They were also asked if teachers, aides, support staff, and administrators would have to pay for bathroom use. No answers was forthcoming.
It was learned, however, that school nurses will be able to give, on a limited basis, extra tokens to children with diaherria (so that they do not spend all of their lunch money before they ever get to lunch).
One money saving idea that was tabled involved placing closed circuit cameras in the locker rooms and locker room showers and selling the video feeds. The White House wants to propose legislation to change child pornography laws before installing these cameras and increasing revenues.